Theresa May breaks reality by revealing she is "woke and proud"
Society may never recover from the ontological shock
One of the UK’s five recent Tory prime ministers called Theresa May (the one who was born without a heart and defied doctor’s expectations by reaching the age of 642) has declared she is “woke and proud”, prompting every leftie in the UK to abandon the word woke and take a long bath.
The reaction to May’s announcement has been staggering to say the least…
A traumatised actress called Kathy Burke said: “If May is woke now, I’m going back to fucking sleep!”
Disgraced TV presenter Gary Lineker, who was once banned from the BBC for his extremist views, said: “I’m nothing like Theresa May, am I? Oh god, what if I am? That’s it, I’m never doing politics again!” He then threw up.
Close by, notorious hate preacher Carol Vorderman sat against a wall, mute and shivering. Three hours have passed and she is still there. It’s raining and she’s not wearing a coat.
Worryingly, the trauma is spreading from the hard left and sweeping across the nation faster than the latest Covid variant, sparking fears of another lockdown. Every far-right patriot who supported May is concerned the woke label might apply to them now. I saw a man with a St George flag tattoo punching himself in the face outside a pub for being “too much like Owen Jones”.
It’s fair to say May has the entire nation re-evaluating their lives with a single devastating interview. Social scientists say the ontological shock could cause societal collapse and have implored May to reveal this was all a horrible joke.
If it was a joke, not even Satan herself (Margaret Thatcher) could come up with a more fiendish scheme. I’m not even sure I should reveal more of what May said, but I’ve built my reputation around fearless truth telling and I’m not gonna lie, I’ve never felt more scared, but here goes…
The establishment girl turned Tory rebel, who was such a tearaway as a child that she once ran through a field of wheat, horrifying her father who was a priest, lashed out at the “polarising” gender debate and called for “calm reflection and consideration”.
Just when we’d reached a political consensus that transgender people are to blame for 13 years of Tory failure, one of our prime ministers during that 13-year period has thrown a spanner in the works. You’re going to need to sit down for this one, but I think May is saying transgender people did not cause 13 years of Tory failure. We can only pray she is going to blame unemployed people for her bodged Brexit deal.
A stone-faced May left feminists in a befuddled mess by explaining she once wore a t-shirt that read: “This is what feminism looks like”. I’m told that feminists are desperately searching for a new label and furiously debating whether they should even be burning their bras.
But somehow it gets even worse…
Horrifyingly, May made measured comments about immigration (I know, I know) which were so shocking that when Suella Braverman found out, she instantly caught fire and burnt to ash.
“I've always said that immigration has been good for the country. I think the concern that people have is always around numbers and often, actually, the people who feel most about this issue are people who see least migration in their own communities.”
The woman who was responsible for the hostile environment as home secretary and sent vans around London telling people to “go home or face arrest” is definitely sincere here. May loves immigrants so much that she deported the Windrush generation for the crime of being born to immigrant parents, even though they were British citizens. I can’t make sense of it either, it’s just how reality works now.
May once made it so British citizens could not bring their spouses into the UK, unless they earned an above average wage; a move which separated children from their parents. This was so they couldn’t claim benefits, even though immigrants have no recourse to public funds, and oh god, I can feel cause and effect breaking down. It’s raining upwards, a dog just flew past my face, the universe is going to collapse, isn’t it?
At this point, we’re all praying for a logical explanation, but Schrödinger's immigrant lover insists this is definitely not a cynical ploy to fill the void in politics created by Rishi Sunak’s doubling down on the culture war and Sir Keir Starmer’s lurch to the right. May is definitely not plotting a political comeback in the most shameless manner possible by waiting for the inevitable Tory collapse in 2024 and presenting herself as the moderate who was right all along and stabbed in the back by extremists who were no more extreme than her. She is definitely not the type of career politician who will change colours as many times as she needs to, or say and do literally anything to keep her flagging career alive.
This is absolutely sincere, every word of it, and nothing to do with the fact May is promoting a new book which is entitled “Abuse of Power” and available in all good book stores now x
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Pure Brilliant Satire! Thanks LK :)
I did chortle uncontrollable on a few occasions. I’m enjoying these rants.