Theresa May is definitely not a rat abandoning a sinking ship
Her resignation is just a coincidence
Theresa May, one of the top four Tory prime ministers of the past five years, has announced she is stepping down as an MP. May assures us this decision has nothing to do with the Tories being 36 points behind in the polls and she was facing crushing humiliation at the next election.
May is one of 64 Tory MPs to announce they are stepping down, but whatever you do, do not suggest they are rats abandoning a sinking ship. They are actually just crooks being cruelly pushed off the gravy train!
Thankfully, people who call themselves moderates have been doing what they always do for high-achieving politicians who’ve successfully ruined the lives of millions: rehabilitating May’s character.
Labour MP Jess Phillips even called May “classy”, but when asked if she would describe her former party leader Jeremy Corbyn as classy, she spat her beer out and said: “No, that man is a bastard and I hate him!”
It was genuinely moving to see how many people expressed sadness that an MP who is incapable of feeling human emotion is standing down. You might be forgiven for thinking Liz Truss was the first robot to come off the Tory production line, but years before the Trussbot almost destroyed planet Earth, there was a prototype called the Maybot.
May was once asked what the naughtiest thing she ever did as a child was and she had no idea what human children get up to, so she made up a story about running through a wheat field. The fact she thought this was bad behaviour possibly explains why the Tories are utter bastards when it comes to law and order.
The Maybot might not have done anything as destructive as the legendary mini-budget during her reign of terror, but she certainly has her own impressive list of achievements.
For example, she let down the victims of Grenfell tower, refusing to update health and safety laws or get the survivors rehoused in the local area (sending many up to Manchester) and even failing to compensate them. Please understand, the only reason May let these people down is because she didn’t give a crap about them.
To show the nation how kind-hearted she was, May cut the benefits of disabled people, and her ruthless austerity measures caused tens of thousands of excess deaths. She was the leader who made child hunger cool until that traitor Marcus Rashford convinced people that malnutrition is “cruel”.
Back in the days before Tories were lying on the side of buses, May was putting racist messages on buses and sending them into the communities of ethnic minorities, telling them to go home. She was so classy, she even made up a story about a judge allowing a refugee to stay in the UK because he had a cat, but remember, it’s only the left who spread fake news.
May furthered her moderate credentials by worsening the “hostile environment” and deporting the children of the Windrush generation, even though they were British citizens who were born and raised here and had never visited the places they were deported to. This is because she wanted to appear tough on immigration and she didn’t count black people as real British citizens anyway.
May introduced a brutal minimum income threshold on spouse visas to punish people who dared to marry foreigners because we’re not supposed to pollute whitey island. This rule tore thousands of families apart and even the Nazi-supporting Daily Mail thought it was too racist for their liking, but let’s cut May some slack. She once criticised Boris Johnson in parliament for entirely self-serving reasons so she is a moderate “girl boss”.
The only sentence May was capable of uttering during most of her time in charge was “Brexit means Brexit” because her speech processor kept malfunctioning. When it came to negotiating Brexit, May actually had no idea what Brexit meant so she switched to a new phrase: “No deal is better than a bad deal”.
To the surprise of everyone, May lost the confidence of her party and was forced to step down so that Boris Johnson could finalise the same deal May had negotiated with the EU. This meant Boris Johnson “saved Brexit” and was a hero for doing the terrible thing that Theresa May wanted to do. He took the bad deal that was worse than no deal and everyone treated him like a hero, including me (until he dumped me for Carrie).
Don’t you just hate it when bastard men take the credit for women destroying the country? Next they’ll be giving credit to Rishi Sunak for Liz Truss’s mini-budget and credit to Sir Keir Starmer for cat bin lady.
There is a strange rumour that Theresa May cried during her resignation speech, but I can confirm this was a fluid leak caused by faulty components. Let’s not forget May was a prototype and some things went wrong during the manufacturing process.
For example, May could not walk on stage without her legs parting and knees turning inwards like she was standing on ice. Some people claimed this was a “power stance”, but sadly it made her look like a fucking idiot.
The Maybot might be leaving her dream job of making the working class miserable, but she is now pretending to be human by focusing on working with the Global Commission on Modern Slavery and Human Trafficking because taking a new job that sounds respectable totally makes up for ruining the lives of millions x
Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise x
A warm and affectionate tribute to a woman incapable of warmth or affection.
May could not walk on stage without her legs parting and knees turning inwards like she was standing on ice. Some people claimed this was a “power stance”, but sadly it made her look like a fucking idiot. Brilliant!