Green Goddess Thérèse Coffey has ordered the Department of Environment, Food and Rural Affairs to cut all ties with Greenpeace after it draped Rishi Sunak’s house in oil-black fabric and held up a NO NEW OIL sign. Thankfully, Rishi and his family were safe because they were on holiday in California at one of their three other homes.
Coffey seized her chance to make a stand against the “ecoterrorists” to curry favour with Sunak who is thinking of demoting her on the basis she is fucking useless. Coffey is optimistic she can keep her job because she is no more useless than the other Tories, plus she has more experience at being useless.
As a creature who crawled out of a swamp near Sellafield and glows like radium, Coffey has more green credentials than all these Greenpeace activists combined. I honestly don’t know what these weirdos want from her.
Greenpeace demanded the Tories stop dumping sewage, stop drilling for oil and gas, and implement a just transition to renewable energy. Coffey ignored all of those demands, but what’s important is she takes her environmental responsibilities seriously. Why is that not enough?
Coffey has a proud record of making households pay for the record quantities of sewage that she allowed water companies to dump in our lakes and rivers. Please understand, it’s not Thérèse’s job to sort her shit out, it’s yours.
She explained that when the polar ice caps have melted and the rainforests have burnt to ash, the gas-masked nomads of the climate apocalypse will consider what happened to Rishi’s unused manor the greatest crime of our time. The last of humanity will not forgive Greenpeace for what they did.
On the other hand, they will fully respect Sunak’s decision to “max out” our oil and gas reserves by granting 100 drilling licences in accordance with his not-zero plans. “That’s a guy who tried to save us,” they’ll say, while setting fire to an effigy of Greta Thunberg.
You will be pleased to know the terrorists from Greenpeace were arrested for the crime of trying to save the planet from the Tories by visiting an empty house. Personally, I think the police should be arresting more peaceful protesters. We don’t do anywhere near enough of this in this country.
When Sunak was informed of the incident, he immediately asked: “Which house?” His aide explained it was the Grade II listed manor in North Yorkshire that he hasn’t visited since 2017 because it’s a bit poky. The nervous aide reassured Rishi his servants have kept the swimming pool in the annex warm in case he ever returns. Rishi just laughed, insisting he will never return to that “shit hole” because “who wants to be surrounded by the troglodytes in Yorkshire?”
As you can see, poor Rishi is distraught by what happened to his abandoned manor, but thankfully, he has all the best journalists defending him.
“However mad politicians make me feel, it has never crossed my mind to go to their homes and shout at them,” said someone in The Telegraph, forgetting their newspaper mocked Jeremy Corbyn when he objected to being doorstepped in 2016.
The Dan Wootton Tonight show courageously sent one of its journalists to Greenpeace HQ so they could justify their outrageous behaviour. A Greenpeace activist said: “I honestly don’t know what all the fuss is about. It’s not like we’ve been caught catfishing our colleagues for dick pics, is it?”
“Why didn’t you go to Xi Jinping’s house?” the Gbeebies journalist screeched with infallible logic. If a leader at the other side of the world does something we don’t like, this means we cannot under any circumstances hold our leaders to account. If we do, this makes us hypocrites somehow.
The only non-hypocritical thing we can do is never criticise our leaders again, unless lefties get into power. Lefties are always fair game x
Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x
I didn’t realize I was an eco-terrorist! Many thanks! 🔥
We need more British snark like this since the Monty’s went full flabby gezzerite. Such a soothing balm for the soul. Unfortunately they too were consumed into the borg and forgot to mention, in the end we actually have to eat the rich, with a fine Chianti. Fh-fh-Fh-fh...