I’m proud to announce I’m backing Thérèse Coffey in the Tory civil war.
Don’t get me wrong, I love dishy Rishi almost as much as I loved the prime minister before him whose name I can’t remember, but he’s been in the job 9 months now and I feel it’s time for change. A good government should change prime ministers at least once a year, so we don’t have much longer to install our latest unelected leader.
Unelected leaders are a proud British tradition, and if my maths is correct (which it definitely is), Thérèse would be the 13th Tory prime minister in 13 years. It’s like something out of a really exciting horror movie, isn’t it? No one will scare the shit out of the public like Thérèse, but don’t worry, she has the perfect scapegoat if the sewers overflow.
Thérèse has quite rightly blamed wild birds for poor water quality and high levels of E. Coli on the Suffolk coast. After all, it’s not a coincidence that birds keep getting spotted at the scene of the sewage deposits.
I’m told the river Lim in Dorset is now deader than Coffey’s sense of humanity after the amount of faeces inside it tripled within a year. (I understand the river also saw an increase of faeces.)
The Lim used to be a thriving ecosystem with trout and eels, but the few surviving specimens are transforming into mutants which will devour remainers in the post-Brexit apocalypse. It's understood the monster from Cloverfield was a trout that ingested sewage and grew legs so this could get exciting.
One ecologist reported there are barely any invertebrates in the Lim which is tragic as this was where the spineless Michael Gove was born and his lineage might be coming to an end, but remember, this is all the birds’ fault.
An otter had moved into the river recently, but the brown sludge put it off hunting and it was recently spotted at the local food bank. Personally, I think it should get a bloody job and stop looking for handouts - they’re only for private corporations that bribe the government.
The Tories are not expecting South West Water to sort out the river by 2030 so we have at least another 7 years of no more Goves. South West Water was fined 1/25th of what it paid out to bosses and shareholders last year, meaning they are thankfully incentivised to not bother solving the problem.
This sign was erected at somewhere called Martlesham Creek by one of Coffey’s biggest fans:
You will be pleased to know Thérèse has decided not to impose fines of £250 million on water companies because this would be “disproportionate”, given it’s all the fault of the birds.
This is why I’m backing Thérèse for prime minister. She is the only one who will upgrade our sewage facilities until our toilets are overflowing and slurry is coming out of our bath taps. Someone needs to stand up to the Anti-Sewage Coalition and I don’t have any faith in the others because they seem too distracted.
The Tory far-white are fuming with Rishi for ignoring the will of the people by not taking Britain fully out of the UK. We still have safety regulations on petty things like baby food that must go because they are proving unprofitable.
In Rishi’s defence, he bravely fought the imaginary war on woke on the side of the cost of living crisis, but that crisis just hasn’t gone deep enough. This has left many Tories feeling bitter and disappointed. Nadine Dorries pulled herself away from the drinks cabinet long enough to slur:
“We no longer have that inspirational leader and those visionary policies. What happened to levelling up?” (She meant “levelling down”, but she was really drunk.)
Nadine explained the Conservative (anti)Democratic Organisation wants Boris back, but I’m not doing propaganda for that bastard again after the way he treated me. It’s Thérèse or nothing as far as I’m concerned.
If you’re concerned the civil war could finish the Tories, please console yourself with the fact we have 18 months until the next election and they can do a whole lot of sovereignty in that time. It’s going to be fantastic x
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Well, since there is only one dominant political party in the UK (or is that Britain?) now, albeit under two names, why not just make her Empress for Life and change the recently acquired custom of changing Prime Ministers one a year?
But . . . but . . . bit . . . I thought therese Coffey WAS The Monster From The Swamp! Are there more like her?