Tories distraught they could lose 1,000 seats in local elections
I honestly don't know what you people want anymore
There is a lot of hurt and confusion at Tory HQ at the moment and rightfully so. They just can’t fathom why they are on course to lose 1,000 seats at the local elections and quite frankly, neither can I. What the hell is wrong with you people?
I’m just not standing for it.
As a totally impartial and super-professional journalist, it is my job to ensure you vote the correct way in May and that is what I intend to do. Honestly, I don’t know what you weirdos want, but if it’s not this, there truly is no hope for humanity.
We live in such a glorious time which has given us not one, not two, but three incredible prime ministers: the Roaring Twenties™ with skies as grey as Thérèse Coffey’s complexion and unlit shit-lands full of dead bees that fell victim to neoconic pesticides.
Every day, we judder over pot-holes on our journey through thriving high-streets aligned with Poundlands and Cash Converters squeezed between shuttered buildings. Broken store signs dangle, creaking as the fragrance of unflushed toilets wafts on the breeze, and rats scurry among piles of uncollected rubbish. Truly, no other land carries the beauty of our tax avoidance paradise and still you bastards want more.
The Tories did everything they could to please you.
They left 90% of our state schools on the verge of bankruptcy and made private schools tax exempt. They cut 20,000 hospital beds and blamed nurses for endangering patients’ lives. They sanctioned Universal Credit claimants and sent 30p Lee to yell in food banks. They sent energy profits through the stratosphere and let British Gas burgle your homes. They gave refugees free fucking holidays to Rwanda because they know you weirdos like them! They even decided to spend £100 million on a party so a bloke called Charles can put a super-expensive hat on his head to cheer you miserable sods up.
And while all this was going on, they asked the most important question of our time: What is a woman? Yes, they pretended to give a shit about women and yet all I can hear is dissatisfied sighing.
Let’s break this down rationally.
The Tories closed half of the hospitals so you don’t get confused about which one to go to, and they gave you only a 7-month wait to see a GP. They even published a handy guide on extracting your own teeth with pliers if you can’t find a dentist.
They ensured the 30% pay increase for MPs was not extended to public sector workers. They actually cut public sector pay to protect you from being poorer, but they made you poorer anyway to protect your employer from being less profitable. That’s a whole lot of protection going on. A thank you would be nice.
They created loads of poverty to send a clear message to Putin: We don’t give a fuck about our own people, let alone yours, so you probably shouldn’t mess with us. As you can see, only the Tories take our national security seriously.
As part of their climate strategy, they made energy bills so high that poor people saw their carbon footprint reduced by 85% and did Greta show any appreciation? No.
They reduced the pensions bill by a whopping 36% when a load of grannies froze during the winter cold snap. Those are savings they could pass on to you, the hard-working tax-payer. They won’t, but the point is they could.
My garden is swarming with fruit flies because bin men only collect rubbish once a fortnight now, but this is to encourage us to recycle, a process which is definitely worth it because only 55% of our recyclable rubbish goes to landfill.
The Liz Truss mini-budget increased mortgages by £200 a month, giving buy-to-let landlords the perfect excuse to increase your rent by £300 a month. Food might be more expensive now, but as a BBC superstar, I can afford Asda Smart Price baked beans. I’ve no idea what you lot are eating though, presumably worms from your garden, but I’m sure that’s better for the environment and will help tackle childhood obesity.
You’ll be thrilled to know ministers have proposed mincing the victims of NHS cuts as a cheap food source for nurses. I understand this mince could be sold at 50% less than pork mince, making it efficient and cost-effective. This kind of policy is especially important since your local Harvester closed down because no one could afford to eat there anymore.
The Tories did not just tackle the food crisis they caused or the housing crisis they caused or the energy crisis they caused or the climate crisis they caused or the sewage crisis they caused or the NHS crisis they caused, they also bravely fought the war on woke they started for no reason.
They made Suella Braverman immune to prosecution after she breached national security so she could return as home secretary and extend her proud record of anti-racism. They formed a defensive shield of turds in the English Channel to deter the terrifying invasion of hungry people in dinghies. They banned people from protesting, unless it was far-right nutters rioting because not enough refugees were getting a free holiday to Rwanda. They introduced voter ID laws to stop wrong ‘uns from voting and they gerrymandered to increase the likelihood of getting the correct outcome.
And still, despite all of this hard work, they are expected to get the wrong outcome in May. Even worse, Johnson and Rees-Mogg are going to lose their seats at the general. I fucking give up x
Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x
It’s great to read someone else venting with unerring eloquence. Thank you!
As one of the lefty tofu-eating Guardian-reading wokerati, I'm indebted to Laura for setting things out so very clearly, and pointing out the error of my ways.