Tories furiously insist they will starve more children than Labour would

And they have the track record to back this up

Following yesterday’s earth-shattering announcement that Labour would starve children by keeping the two-child welfare cap (which even had me cheering), the Tories have furiously insisted they are the real child starvers.

Rishi Sunak, who is still very much in the shadow of Liz Truss, has pointed to the Tories’ proud record of worsening child hunger. Sunak argued the two-child cap was the Tories’ idea and that it plunged 850,000 children into deeper poverty to punish them for bankers collapsing the economy.

Rishi reminded us of the Tories’ record of not feeding children during the school holidays until that bastard Marcus Rashford bullied him into throwing them some crusts from a half-eaten prawn sandwich.

Rishi also pointed to the Tories’ creative policies when it comes to punishing children, such as painting over murals at refugee centres because they are utter bastards.

The figures speak for themselves:

The Tories have closed 1,416 SureStart Centres and the UK has the third highest childcare costs in the world, meaning we have loads of parents who can’t work because they are too lazy to get a job. Of the people who are working, 1 million are on zero-hours contracts because they are too lazy to get a real job.

An additional 600,000 children have fallen into poverty since 2010, bringing the total up to 4.2 million. Scandalously, only 3.6 million children were in poverty under Labour, so as you can see, they were a catastrophic failure when it comes to child starvation.

British families are £11,000 worse off than when the Tories came to power, thanks to wage stagnation, and if all that’s not enough, there are the sky high rents/mortgages/bills and 18.3% food inflation!

As you can see, that’s one hell of an achievement list, but it somehow gets even better: the Tories have touted the possibility of letting Liz Truss run the economy to see if she can get the 4.2 million child poverty figure up to 82.6 million.

I’m not sure there are 82.6 million children in the UK (if you discount Boris Johnson’s offspring), but I’m confident Liz would find a way to pull this off, so Rishi should definitely make her chancellor! Just imagine the damage those two could do together, it would be a dream team: two mathematical geniuses in charge of one teetering economy!

Rishi boasted he scrapped the Universal Credit uplift with the explicit aim of improving childhood arithmetic, and even understanding of biology, by enabling kids to count their ribs.

A journalist from The Daily Mail overheard this and did not know how to respond because they’ve been claiming Universal Credit claimants are eating caviar on toast for breakfast and enjoying Greggs sausage rolls wrapped in gold leaf. The confusion caused the Daily Mail journalist to spontaneously combust. It took three hours to clean up the mess.

Once the charred remains of the Daily Mail journalist had been swept into the corner, Rachel Reeves screeched that she would implement the two-child cap even better than Rishi.

It is with this in mind, the Tories have today announced they will reduce the two-child cap to a 0.5-child cap and force children to sweep the chimneys of Jacob Rees-Mogg’s castle in Transylvania. Labour has promised to match the Tories’ plans and do them more efficiently x

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