Trump abducts elderly Venezuelan couple because taking hostages is good now

In the humanitarian move of the decade, the US has bombed a sovereign nation and abducted its leader to liberate the world’s largest proven oil reserves. The move happens to be in violation of international law, but this shows the law didn’t want Venezuela’s oil to be free. Clearly, the law is the problem here.

The blood on the streets of Caracas is not even dry, but Trump has confirmed that US corporations will be selflessly involved in the rebuilding effort. It is unclear if Trump will stop murdering Venezuelan fishermen, but he will continue to bomb “Maduro loyalists” because only those who obey him are allowed to live. This is how freedom works.

Excitingly, the US abducted President Maduro and his wife from their home in a move that was surprising because the US told us it’s wrong to invade a country and take hostages. If you’re struggling to keep up, just know that whatever Trump says is always right.

The US has confirmed that several of its soldiers were injured during the elderly couple’s abduction. All of the injured soldiers agree it was worth almost dying so oil billionaires could get another payday. Their selflessness truly knows no bounds.

Maduro is facing accusations of drug trafficking that have the unfortunate snag of zero evidence. However, his wife is 100% guilty of marrying him and is therefore getting the electric chair.

Awkwardly, a US report mistakenly admitted Maduro does not play a role in the drugs trade. As Maduro himself pointed out, he has oil and gold so why would he need drugs? Small details like that are unimportant though. What matters is that we’re pretending Maduro smuggled drugs into the US. This is much worse than when the CIA smuggled drugs into the US.

Trump said the abduction of the Maduros sends a message the US is not going to be pushed around because it was definitely the US that was being pushed around in this equation. There is optimism that Trump will abduct other leaders such as Gustavo Petro who was wrongly elected by the Colombian people. Petro is likely to be charged with seeing Palestinians as human, which is also one of Maduro’s many crimes. You understand why he had to be stopped.

The US located Maduro with the help of a CIA “source”, also known as a “snitch”. The snitch is set to receive the $50 million bounty the US was offering for Maduro’s capture. Let’s be honest, we would all sell out Keir Starmer for $50 million, so who can blame him?

It turns out the US is quite capable of arresting foreign leaders as long as there is not an international arrest warrant out for them, like in the case of Netanyahu. That is the one situation where it would be wrong to arrest an international leader.

Trump does not recognise Maduro as the leader of Venezuela, claiming the Venezuelans did not elect him. He would therefore like to install Maria Machado because Venezuelans also did not elect her. Consistency is important.

Machado, who has a face that Venezuelan children see in their nightmares, was jubilant as bombs reigned down on Caracas. She cheered on the murder of her people like only a winner of the Nobel Peace Prize could.

The US believes in freedom and democracy so much that it wants to install Machado, even though 91% of Venezuelans disapprove of her. Machado is aware this move would be controversial so she has decided Edmundo Gonzales should be the one who gives the oil and gold to the US. She is a true patriot.

If Venezuelans protest against the looting of their country, they will be gunned down in the street because that sort of thing is only wrong when it happens in Iran. The US is making preparations to ensure Venezuelans can never elect a socialist again.

Obviously, it’s terrible when elections are rigged in Latin America, unless it’s somewhere like Honduras where the US was doing the rigging, in which case it’s fine.

Although Venezuelans were overwhelmingly against the air strikes and abductions, the BBC was only able to interview the handful of Venezuelans that supported them.

One teary man said: “At last, our oil is free! It might not be used to fund our services or help the Venezuelan people, but at least Trump has it now. I only hope he can continue to bomb our people to remind us to know our place.” The BBC is confident this person’s views are representative of ordinary Venezuelans and so am I x

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