Trump attends palace banquet to reminisce with old friend Prince Andrew about Epstein Island

In a heart warming story, America’s foremost paedophile, Donald Trump, has flown to the UK to meet up with the UK’s foremost paedophile, Prince Andrew. The pair were keen to reminisce about the good times they spent on Epstein Island and laugh about the women they bumped off. Boys will be boys.

The pair met at one of the UK’s most lavish council houses, Windsor Castle. You will be delighted to hear the taxpayer spared no expense to ensure these men enjoyed the utmost luxury. However, Trump was disappointed that we had no scantily-clad teenage girls on display because there are laws against that sort of thing. You can imagine his frustration, given that Queen Melania insists on separate bedrooms.

The festivities involved 120 horses and 1,300 troops, not for pageantry reasons though. We needed someone to protect the president from all the demonstrators who had gathered outside. Thankfully, the government plans to proscribe the Stop Trump Coalition because objecting to paedophilia is just as unacceptable as objecting to genocide.

Trump’s chat with Prince Andrew was sensibly kept off camera because the woke mob think the pair’s favourite pastime is bad, even when rich people do it. Poor people would not be allowed within 500 yards of a school if they behaved like these two, but the law only applies to poor people.

Don and Andy share much in common, being completely talentless and born into excessive wealth and living a life of grotesque indulgence while telling themselves they are better than everyone else. Sadly, they are both suffering from health difficulties with Andrew being unable to sweat and Trump barely surviving a recent stroke, but they are soldiering on, much to everyone’s disappointment.

Traditionally, US presidents are not offered an official state visit during their second term in office. Ordinarily, they are invited to tea with the monarch during their second term, but Charles did not want to lower himself to that, and Trump wanted to outdo Obama.

William and Kate were horrified to discover they were expected to entertain Trump, but they reluctantly agreed on the condition the children went nowhere fucking near him. They were joined at dinner by all the nicest people, such as Sam Altman and Larry Fink, who generously discussed how best to carve up the UK’s assets.

There were lots of Union Jacks on display so it’s unclear if Tommy Robinson and his buddies had been decorating to remind everyone what country we’re in, but either way, it was a nice touch. I love the England flag, don’t you?

Four thoughtful people projected an image of Trump and Epstein onto Windsor Castle to mark the occasion, but they were inexplicably arrested for “malicious communication”. I can’t explain it either. If they’d crayoned red crosses on the roundabouts and pissed in people’s gardens, they would have been given medals.

Trump was introduced to someone called “Keir Starmer” and had to be told he is the prime minister of the UK. To be fair to the president, most British people don’t know who Starmer is either.

In a truly exciting moment, Starmer brought up his hero, former Tory prime minister Winston Churchill, and he pleaded with Trump to start World War III with Russia. Only problem is Russia has those Epstein tapes so that’s a non-starter.

Trump politely declined the invitation and decided to be surprisingly nice about the UK for a change. One of Trump’s favourite hobbies is telling everyone what a shit hole London is because it has a brown Muslim mayor. However, on this occasion he adopted a more respectful tone, presumably because Starmer has capitulated to him on tariffs.

A misty-eyed Trump hailed the UK as a “very special place” because he has a lovely golf course up in Scotland where the ghost of Janey Godley is still calling him a cunt. God rest her soul x

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