Trump's forever war with Iran has already run out of missiles
President Trump is reportedly fuming with War Crimes Secretary Hegseth. It turns out the military campaign against Iran has hit a tiny snag: stockpiles of ATACMS, Tomahawks, and Patriot interceptors have plummeted harder than the president’s approval ratings.
“We can just buy more, right?” Trump allegedly asked his team.
“Oh, totally, sir,” his advisers replied. “It’ll just cost a few hundred billion dollars and take us about ten years. Until then, we’re completely defenceless and running out of strategic oil reserves. Plus, we have to bail out Japan.”
Pete Hegseth was left scratching his head. He demanded to know why his approach of acting like the world’s manliest man and casually bragging about killing civilians didn’t translate into military victory. His generals pointed out they said war was a terrible idea from the start.
As a man of integrity, Hegseth took full responsibility and put the blame on his deputy, Stephen Feinberg—a man who definitely isn’t working on behalf of Israel. Trump then held an emergency meeting with the least qualified people he could find. Thankfully, they’ve come up with a genius new strategy: scream about raining Armageddon on Tehran, then do absolutely nothing.
Officials finally noticed that every launch cost the US way more than it cost Iran, making the war a form of national self-harm. If you listen closely, you can hear the sound of a billion people laughing in China.
Washington is extremely frustrated that Tehran simply refuses to negotiate. Officials blame this on two highly annoying facts: Iran is actually winning, and the Israelis keep accidentally killing the negotiators. The administration’s current fix is to pretend the Iranians are desperately begging for a deal.
In reality, Iran is talking to Oman about reopening the Strait of Hormuz and charging transit fees. This would leave Iran richer and stronger than ever before, but don’t worry, it isn’t all bad.
The president has found a brilliant silver lining. This cycle of making massive threats and then hiding in the corner is doing wonders for the stock market. Sure, the global economy is about to collapse, but Trump and his mates are making an absolute killing.
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Your last paragraph is absolutely spot-on. It's called "market manipulation." If Trump has a fit and bombs Iran, the stocks go down and crude oil goes up; if he says the Iranians want a "deal" and suspends bombing, the stocks go up and crude oil goes down. The "insiders" who learn his intentions a few days in advance can sell, short the S&P, buy puts, and go long on oil in the first scenario and vice-versa in the second. Obviously, they're making obscene profits, and Trump is cutting their taxes for good measure, so they'll support ReThuglican candidates generously come election-time. What a system!