Twitter is getting a new CEO and she is truly incredible

You will not believe who it is

I’ve had to bring you lots of sad news recently and unfortunately this is another one of those sad days, but you’ll be pleased to hear it has a super-happy ending so try not to get too emotional while you’re reading, okay?

First of all, the sad news.

Remember that guy called Elon Mollusc? No? Well, he’s the rich weirdo who bought Twitter with his loose change when Grimes dumped him for Chelsea Handler. You know the one I’m talking about? The Jordan Peterson of Mark Zuckerbergs who names his children like a stoner taking inspiration from a motorbike sales room. The one whose dad let him walk around the streets with emeralds in his pockets when he was a teenager because he was bald and couldn’t get a girlfriend. The one who’s on hormone replacement therapy to make him feel less woke, but just looks like a 51-year-old who’s going through puberty. Yes, Apartheid Clyde! You remember now.

Well, anyways, him, your favourite sociopathic tech billionaire who everyone was worried was trying to control the world’s conversation, but actually spent $43 billion to get himself a few more likes, he is stepping down as CEO of Twitter. I know, I cried too.

Elon had introduced so many brilliant features to Twitter recently like the increased character limit and edit button that he made me fucking pay for, not that I’m bitter; and the encrypted messaging system that works so well, he’s told you not to trust it any more than an official statement from Prince Andrew, meaning it doesn’t count as encrypted. This is because the encryption is not end-to-end, doesn’t work unless both participants are blue ticks, doesn’t work in group chats or with photo messages - and if you use it for any of these things, your computer/phone will explode like a Tesla car/Space X rocket. You have been warned.

Now I know what you’re all thinking: who could possibly do a better job of ruining, I mean running Twitter than Elon Mollusc? Tucker Carlson? Marjorie Taylor-Greene? The festering corpse of Rush Limbaugh? How about a Brit like Nadine Dorries or Liz Truss? A crisphead lettuce maybe?

Well, it’s even better than any of those choices because the answer is… ME! Poor Elon went and gave me the job because he thought I was Laura Kuenssberg from the BBC and not some weird nerd who wears pyjamas all day and has no friends, apart from the four people who comment on my articles who I’m not even sure are real but are always super-nice.

I’m extremely proud to be given the job as CEO for the final three months of Twitter’s existence and I would like you to know I take this job as seriously as Elon takes the job of naming his children.

I have plans for Twitter. Big plans.

First of all, I’m going to change all the blue ticks to tiny rainbows and charge the gammons $800 to have them removed. Also, I’m thinking of making pronouns mandatory and adding a glitter filter to everyone’s profile pics because I think Elon fans would find that lovely. I’m going to give official verification badges to every parody account and mark the official profiles as fake news, especially my enemies at the BBC. This is going to be so much fun!

I’m going to mark all CIA accounts with dildos, but I’m going to make it so they can’t see the dildos so they don’t know, but we do. I’m going to make it so bot accounts can only see other bot accounts so they troll each other until the heat death of the universe, and I’m going to make it so Elon fans can only see those bot accounts and no one else, so they can engage in discourse with their intellectual equals.

I’m going to give control of Elon’s account to his favourite person Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez without telling him because I think his posting could do with a feminine touch. I’m going to algorithmically boost Elon’s Jet, as well as Elon’s ex-wives and girlfriends because they fucking hate him and it will be really funny to see what they have to say to the world.

Finally, I’m going to introduce new rules so you must log into Twitter once a month and post a selfie of yourself wearing fluffy blue ears, otherwise your account will be deleted, and I’m going to give a free edit button and golden font to all of my subscribers. I’m so excited x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x