UK celebrates first anniversary of its greatest ever leader

I can't believe it's been one year already...

Yesterday, the UK celebrated the one year anniversary of its greatest ever, yet shortest serving, prime minister, Liz Truss.

Liz was one of the five prime ministers we had during an eventful six-year period in which everything stopped working - and she was unquestionably the prime minister with the best selfie skills.

Other than taking selfies, Liz was really good at, um, uh, er, let’s move on…

Liz was proudly backed to lead the country by some of the government’s finest minds like Suella Braverman, Thérèse Coffey, and James Cleverley - three individuals who are famously never wrong. All three agreed Liz was the Tory that we needed to save the country from the Tories.

“I backed her from the start and I know I made the right choice,” gushed James Cleverley, the only man ever to be expelled from Mensa for being too cleverley.

Liz vowed to “transform Britain” during her first speech as prime minister and she certainly did that with her well-planned mini-budget which reassuringly involved telling her mates to bet against the pound. The fact those mates made a killing is entirely coincidental and this was definitely not insider trading so stop it, you conspiracy theorists!

Liz once explained she has a distaste for “abacus economics” which was a clever way of saying she doesn’t understand numbers, and it really showed.

Liz heroically gave the rich £45 billion of unfunded tax cuts with the tantalising promise of “more to come”. Her mini-budget terrorised bond markets, sent interest rates soaring, and caused everything bad the Tories said would happen under a Labour government. Truss’ Tories were very much the best of both worlds.

Thanks to Liz, we have the sixth-best G7 economy, the Labour Party has an 18-point lead, and the UK is considered “uninvestable”. But as much as I admire Liz’s economic contribution, I don’t think I can forgive her for not fulfilling her promise of “more to come”. Those pensions funds were not supposed to survive, goddammit.

On the plus side, the Bank of England was given the perfect excuse to drive inflation and further impoverish the working class. This is the reason you can barely afford your mortgage and could be about to become homeless.

The mini-budget made the pound plummet like the roof of a school built from RAAC, so Liz did what any true leader would do, she found a scapegoat. Yes, Liz boldly sacked her chancellor, Kwasi Kwarteng, for implementing her ideas, because nothing says leadership like throwing a colleague under a bus.

After the sacking, Liz expertly explained she both did and did not agree with Kwasi’s mini-budget - and it both was and was not her idea. As you can see, Liz is an expert communicator and not afraid of accountability.

At one point, Penny Mordaunt had to clarify to parliament that “the prime minister is not under a desk” - she was in fact joining Nadine Dorries at the Downing Street drinks cabinet.

“I’m a fighter and not a quitter,” Liz screeched when she returned to parliament, half-cut, much to the dismay of the 72% of the country who wanted her to be a quitter and not a fighter.

When Liz did finally turn from a fighter into a quitter, she gave a stirring resignation speech in which she made dramatic pauses while her battery recharged, and she ummed like a five-year-old girl when the teacher asks her a question.

It’s worth celebrating that Liz was the UK’s third ever female prime minister. This was a great victory for women because Liz was somehow even more destructive than the previous two and offered no representation to women whatsoever.

Liz spent 43 glorious days in charge of the UK, which was just 4,177 days less than Margaret Thatcher managed. Perhaps Liz’s biggest regret is that she didn’t put herself in a glass box above the Thames without food or water because she could have lasted at least 44 days (possibly longer, given no one would have been in a hurry to let her out).

During her reign of terror, Liz maintained a busy schedule which included trying on a baseball cap, a hard hat, an army helmet, a Russian ushanka, a funeral hat, and lots of other hats. She always smiled for the camera while wearing these hats, which is weird given one of them was a funeral hat.

Yes, Liz attended a funeral during her premiership after taking the bold step of killing the queen with a polonium handshake on her first day on the job. This move sparked rumours Liz was a robot sent by Putin to destroy the UK economy.

Given Liz did more damage than a Satan II intercontinental ballistic missile ever could, this is a plausible hypothesis. It’s certainly more plausible than the cover story that her parents are left-wing academics deeply ashamed of their daughter who was a Liberal Democrat activist in a former life before selling her soul to the Heritage Foundation.

Liz faced many challenges as prime minister, but it’s fair to assume she will never forget her most formidable opponent and intellectual equal - the lettuce.

The lettuce - a popular influencer on YouTube and ex-leader of the Anti-growth Coalition - has sadly passed away, but this hasn’t stopped Liz putting the boot in. Liz described the live stream of the lettuce as “puerile” whereas the lettuce once described Liz as a “useless c*nt.” Personally, I don’t understand why the lettuce was so humourless and bitter.

Liz bravely took on the economic establishment by doing everything the economic establishment would do if it didn’t have to contend with reality, and for that, she will always have my gratitude.

Liz has sensibly never confirmed if she is claiming the £115,000 a year allowance for former prime ministers. This is to ensure no one demands she stops claiming the £115,000 a year allowance.

We know Liz did receive an £18,000 severance package, which might sound like a lot, but economists suggest getting rid of Liz saved the economy £956 billion, meaning the pay off was the cheapest option.

Since her resignation, Liz has maintained a busy schedule which included flying to the US to tell the Heritage Foundation she was right and everyone else was wrong.

At one point, Liz scared the shit out of Taiwan by paying them a visit while they were on the brink of war with China. Sadly, Liz did not succeed in her mission to start World War III over pork markets, but she did her best.

Since then, Liz has been busy plotting her revenge, I mean political comeback, because she has unfinished business. Thankfully, the sensible elements of the Tory Party are threatening mutiny so she can get a second shot at imposing her unique brand of free market economics. This would be like sending Jason Voorhees into a hospital to beat a coma patient with a hammer after he put the person in a coma in the first place x

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