UK government celebrates ruining entire internet for whole world to save zero children from harm

The Online Safety Act came into effect two days ago and it has been a roaring success, ruining the entire internet for everyone to save zero children from harm! Western bureaucrats have hailed it as the most important step towards authoritarianism since the US agreed to ban TikTok for Israel.

Excitingly, you can no longer decide what you see on the internet to protect a handful of kids whose parents did not bother with parental controls. Those kids are now so safe that they can access all the bad things by visiting sites that are too small to be affected by the rules.

What matters is you can't access your preferred content without permission from an artificial intelligence. Social media companies are even hiding your own posts from you until they can verify it's safe for you to see them! We can't be too careful, can we?

The launch of the Online Safety Act has been so successful that it has impacted people who are not even British and don't live in the UK. One German photographer was blocked from seeing their own photographs to protect children from seeing landscapes.

Personally, I think it's brilliant the UK government introduced a policy their own voters don't want that has impacted people way beyond their jurisdiction. Remember a few years ago when GDPR was introduced and everyone agreed you should not give more personal information to websites than is absolutely necessary? Well, now we've decided the opposite!

Websites are demanding a copy of your ID or access to your email address book which enables the government to obtain your entire digital footprint, including all the websites you've signed up for, all the companies you've done business with, all the people you've interacted with, and all the OnlyFans girls you've subscribed to.

Perhaps the best part of the Act is the facial scans which are conducted by AI to guess your age. The government actually wanted full body scans, but some do-gooders decided that might be too intrusive so you have to get your face scanned instead.

One woman was permanently banned from her own Discord server after it rejected her ID and AI decided she looked too young to be 18. Yes, we are penalising people for youthful looks now. Let's be honest, it's only what those bastards deserve. Who do they think think they are, staying pretty while the rest of us get fat, grey and wrinkly? I hate those bastards so much.

While the Minority Report world Labour has created is mostly brilliant, there have sadly been some unintended consequences. For example, Sir Keir Starmer was banned from social media after AI mistook his face for an anus and accused him of obscenity.

Starmer's face has now been banned from the internet to the relief of the very worst people. Thankfully, Starmer is the only person who matters who has been unfairly impacted by the Online Safety Act.

Unquestionably, the most successful part of the Act has been how it has blocked posts about Gaza for everyone who doesn't submit to mass surveillance. Brilliantly, many of these people are now using VPNs, unaware most are operated by Israel, so they're handing over their data either way!

We are entering a brave new world where everyone who objects to genocide is monitored so they can be marked for censorship, imprisonment or execution. Those who opt out of the system can no longer object to genocide, and children can no longer see objections to genocide. This should negate the risk of them growing up developing a conscience.

Aren't you glad your kids' minds are being controlled because you were too lazy to monitor their internet use? Mind control is essential for the safety of children everywhere... apart from the children in Gaza. Who cares about those? x

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