UK government makes exciting plans to put recording devices in every car for your "safety"

Everyone in the UK has been feeling much safer since the Online Safety Act made Spotify threaten to delete your account, unless you agree to have your face scanned so you can listen to music, so the government is looking at more exciting measures to intrude on your privacy.

One proposal being considered is to put recording devices in every car to monitor everything you do. This "black box" will come with a range of other safety measures such as breathalysers that won't let you drive if you've used mouthwash.

It's not enough for the government to be spying on your online conversations, they want to spy on your car conversations too. This is the most exciting innovation since the Big Sister device known as Alexa was installed in your living room.

The government's plans get even more exciting when you consider their potential to merge with the coming Digital ID called BritCard. Soon your BritCard will be used for everything, whether that be accessing public services or banking or the internet or even your house or car. That would be the car that is listening to your conversations to check for inappropriate thoughts.

Finally, we have ways to punish people who get too many likes on posts that make the government look bad. The moment anyone reaches a Wrong Think Threshold (WTT), they can be locked out of the internet or even their homes. If they get in their smart car, it can lock them in and drive them to the nearest police station. Or even off a cliff. We can just pretend it was a terrible accident, can't we?

The CIA has already been hacking smart cars to cause "accidents". Life will be so much easier when we can get AI to do the dirty work, because if we get caught we can simply blame a technical error. Cars will be so safe that only people who upset the government will die in them. Isn't it wonderful?

Once our social credit system comes into effect, we will pretend it has always been here and society can't function without it, same as we do with credit scores. We will have full control of the internet so we will remove any suggestion to the contrary and break the legs of the thought criminal.

BritCard will be introduced as a quick and easy solution to the Online Safety Act because you will provide your BritCard to every website, instead of uploading your passport or having your face scanned.

In order to get a BritCard, you will have to submit to a 360 degree scan of your naked body which will be safely stored on government servers, away from prying eyes. This server will be the same place that stores your entire digital footprint, including your porn-browsing history. Let's be honest, only a paedophile would feel uncomfortable with such measures.

Please understand the safety measures are necessary to protect unelected billionaires from your penchant for guillotines, I mean the children from facts, I mean from porn. Honestly, it's hard to keep up with all of this. Just know these innovations are for your own good!

Other exciting innovations on the horizon include a daily carbon allowance that will cut off your electricity unless you pay for additional carbon credits, and a poop sensor for your toilet that will only allow you to poop a reasonable amount each day.

The poop censor, I mean sensor, will reduce the risk of water companies dumping shit on our beaches. Obviously, this approach is more cost effective than building adequate sewage facilities.

Strangely, not everyone is on board with the government's plan to micromanage every aspect of their existence so while the pieces for totalitarianism are put in place, we will scream at everyone that they are "conspiracy theorists". This term is like a magic word that scares sensible people into silence.

By the time the world realises the conspiracy theorists were right all along, it will be too late do anything about it x

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