UK in recession despite government doing everything right

No one can understand how this happened

It has been confirmed the UK economy shrank by 0.3% last year. The news has been met with outrage by the opposition who said they would only have shrunk the economy by 0.25%.

The UK might have suffered yet another downturn in living standards, but working class Tories say they will definitely vote for Rishi Sunak to punch them in the face again. Labour voters, on the other hand, say it would be much better to let Sir Keir Starmer punch them in the face.

A bunch of bemused people with black eyes asked why are we voting to be punched in the face, but they were denounced as Putin puppets and driven into the sea. It’s only what they deserved.

The UK economy is doing so well that the retail sector collapsed during the Christmas period. Yes, stores can’t even sell things at Christmas now! Personally, I can’t understand how making everything unaffordable stopped people from buying things.

The lefties told us things should be affordable and everyone knows lefties don’t understand economics so we did the opposite of what they wanted. How were we supposed to know merciless exploitation of the poor would come back to bite us?

The economy shrank despite a bullet-proof budget that included pretending we’re being invaded by people in dinghies, insulting Brianna Ghey’s parents to impress The Daily Mail, signing a post-Brexit trade deal with Malaysia to manufacture toothpaste caps, and giving all government contracts to Infosys.

The government has sensibly explained the problem with the economy is not 14 years of Tory rule, it’s the net-zero policies they never bothered implementing. One outraged Tory MP called Lee Anderson told me: “If lefties didn’t force us to pretend to care about the environment, we wouldn’t be in this mess.”

I asked Lee Anderson what the Tories would have done differently, if not for net-zero, and he said: “Absolutely nothing.”

Britain might be a stagnation nation, but the leaders of both parties agree that a continuation of 45 years of neoliberal policies will get us out of the mess they got us into. It’s like Einstein famously said: “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and not expecting different results.”

What matters is that we, along with Germany, are bottom of the growth league, which is really important for a country that claims to be “world-beating” at everything.

Since 2010, the Tories have racked up more debt than any other government in history and people say we have nothing to show for it. Well, that’s not true. Michelle Mone has something to show for it. The venture capitalists at Teesworks have something to show for it. Akshata Murthy has several lucrative government contracts to show for it. All the people who matter have something to show for it, but you have nothing to show for it because you don’t matter.

Everything got more expensive to punish you for trying to make life affordable for you and your family by going on strike. You don’t seem to understand you have two options in this country: unaffordable or totally unaffordable.

If you reject unaffordable, we will poke you in the eye, take everything you have while you can't see and blame you for your poverty. You are the reason we're in a recession. I hope you’re happy with yourself x

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