UK reduces number of illegal asylum applications to zero

and the government has no choice but to keep it a secret

Suella Braverman, who is extremely angry she can’t deport her own parents, has promised to Stop the Boats™ but not the criminal gangs. Please understand the boats cannot be allowed to stop until the government has a new scapegoat and the criminal gangs are performing a public service. They are like a dead cat manufacturing facility!

We are told the 1951 Refugee Convention is going to be “stretched to its limit” which means “broken” because you can’t stretch a law, you either stay within it or you don’t.

To clarify: non-existent laws will apply to refugees and actual laws will not apply to Tories. Any activist lawyers who challenge this principle will be executed.

In Suella Braverman’s defence, she can’t remember the 1951 Refugee Convention because she is only 42 years old but has been severely aged by evil. This means she has no idea what’s written in it and has no concept of the principles of basic humanity underpinning it. Therefore, she is freestyling.

The new rules mean that if you take a boat ride, you can’t have any protection from modern slavery because the real moral problem is not whether human beings are kept as property, it’s the mode of transportation they use when escaping.

If you ride in a boat, we’ve decided you deserve to be a slave or victim of torture (unless that boat happens to be a private yacht and you can make a substantial donation to the Tory Party).

Big boats = good

Small boats = bad

The government says refugees can’t make “spurious human rights claims” by which they mean they can’t point out their human rights have been violated, unless they’re the right colour of refugee.

Of course, we have no way of ascertaining whether their claim is spurious until we’ve investigated and we are not going to do that. We are simply saying “you can’t stay” which is in itself a human rights violation. Isn’t that clever?

The government has pointed out there are 100 million people in the world who would be allowed to stay under current rules and they’re all coming to the UK. This means there are 100 million genuine refugees in the world and we don’t want to help the 0.1% who are coming here.

Imagine a desperate person is fleeing torture or modern slavery and their only escape route is via people smugglers who transport them to the UK to be reunited with their family. What’s the first question you should ask?

Now you probably think it’s “what mode of transportation did this person use?” But it’s actually “is this person’s skin any shade of brown?” If the answer is yes, we will violate their human rights indefinitely and tell the public it’s because they’re evil boat riders. It’s this cool new way of making racism politically correct again!

If it’s not safe for asylum seekers to be returned home, we will send them to Rwanda because they are not real refugees. Remember you only count as a real refugee if it’s not safe for you to return home. As you can see, there are no contradictions in this policy.

Incidentally, the food shelves in Rwanda are better stocked than the UK’s and their human rights violations are not quite as severe as ours so this is technically an upgrade. Also, this policy will help idiots and racists continue to vote Tory so it’s a win-win!

The home secretary has vowed to reduce the number of people illegally claiming asylum in the UK to zero. Unfortunately, this feat has already been accomplished because there is no illegal way to claim asylum, but I’m not supposed to tell you that x

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