UK's greatest ever chancellor standing down as an MP
Goodbye, Kwasi, your contributions will never be forgotten
I’m afraid this is another one of those days when I have to bring you sad news. I’m bringing you this news within 24 hours of its announcement, which I’m pretty sure counts as an exclusive because no way did anyone get in there faster than me, so here goes:
Our greatest ever chancellor, Kwasi Kwarteng, is standing down as an MP at the next general election, along with about 80 Tories who should definitely not be compared to rats fleeing a sinking ship.
It took Kwasi (Kamikwasi to his friends) about a fortnight to collapse the UK economy. His time as chancellor was so successful that his prime minister, Liz Truss, could not decide whether to take the credit or let him take the blame.
‘Those were all Kwasi’s ideas,” Liz insisted whenever a journalist gave her a tough time.
“Those were all my ideas,” Liz insisted whenever she was hanging out with her mates at the Heritage Foundation. The only problem was that no one believed Liz had any ideas because she was chosen for her sparkling charisma, rather than her intellect. Kwasi was definitely the brains of the operation and what an operation it was.
Kwasi’s legendary mini-budget ushered in the libertarian fantasy of £45 billion of unfunded tax cuts to make Britain a “modern 21st century country” where two-plus-two equals five. The IMF warned the government to reconsider the mini-budget because it would “likely increase inequality” and the Tories said: “Brilliant, that’s what we’re aiming for!”
The ecstatic Kwasi celebrated his insider trading by wrapping his tie around his head and partying with whooping hedge fund managers and Liz who had no idea what to do at a party.
In the madness that ensued, pensions funds faced collapse, inflation reached levels that would make Robert Mugabe blush, and interest rates rose so high that ordinary people couldn’t pay their mortgages, but what’s important is Kwasi’s mates made a killing by betting against the pound. And not a single one of them went to jail. Nor did Kwasi. Legends.
The economic geniuses at The Daily Mail ran the headline: “At last! A true Tory budget,” and then the mini-budget caused an unforeseeable run on the pound. The Bank of England was forced to come up with a £65 billion bailout package to stop a “doom loop” in the gilt market and I have no idea what that means, but I’m pretty sure a doom loop would have been brilliant. Fucking anti-growth coalition, spoiling all our fun again.
On the plus side, mortgage rates rose above 6% and the banks pulled 40% of their mortgage products from the market. Borrowing costs on government bonds saw their largest ever increase and Moody’s lowered the UK’s economic outlook to negative as we faced a possible repeat of the 1976 sterling crisis. The economic successes were so pronounced, we went from being able to buy two dollars for a pound to being able to buy two pounds for a dollar! But perhaps the dream team’s greatest achievement was an interest rate increase of 1.75% - the highest in 27 years.
What’s brilliant is absolutely no one voted for this, apart from 100,000 geriatric southerners in the Tory leadership contest who were desperate to bring back national service and send young people through minefields to blast the wokeness out of their bodies. The twats from Tufton Street almost destroyed the retirements of the people who voted for them and those patriots would bloody well vote for them again!
Sadly, Liz and Kwasi got no thanks from anyone else for their successes and the dream was devastatingly crushed by the leader of the anti-growth coalition - a lettuce.
While Kwasi handled things by quietly stepping down, Liz responded in the most dignified manner possible: by blaming everyone who warned her for failing to warn her about the bad things that were also good. Never have we had a clearer political thinker than Liz because her brain is clear of all thoughts.
The world’s most confident woman recently made a speech at PopCon (which is a gathering for nerds who worship Margaret Thatcher like virgins worship Seven of Nine) where she attacked “left-wing extremists”, meaning everyone to the left of her, or just everyone.
Liz ranted that the CEOs at the World Economic Forum, who want to privatise grandparents and block people from healthcare unless they’re microchipped like dogs, are among those left-wing extremists. As we all know, the dream of every leftie is to have mega-corporations ruling the world. Only far-right nutters like Liz can save us from the horrors of capitalism by doing the same policies but even worse.
Liz’s rant was cheered on by respected political analyst, Holly Valance, whose expertise includes being the hot chick in Neighbours and marrying a billionaire.
Now that Liz is hogging the limelight, I’m concerned the man who made her into the megastar she is today could be forgotten. Kwasi lasted only a few weeks as chancellor before Liz sacked him and stole the credit for his successes, but his critics have compared this period to standing in front of a microwave while you’re hungry and time stands still.
“It seemed to take forever,” they say. I so wish it did.
The reality is Kwasi was our second shortest serving chancellor ever - the only chancellor who lasted less than 38 days was Ian Macleod who sadly died in the role. However, Kwasi did not die, he just made everyone else feel like they did. This is why we gave him severance pay of £17,000 when he was sacked by a confused Liz who was feeling the pressure from “powerful forces”. It’s important that Tories are rewarded for their failures so they never learn from their mistakes and neither Liz nor Kwasi have learned from theirs x
Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise x
Let William Morris have the last word:
“There — it sickens one to have to wade through this grimy sea of opportunism. What a spectacle of shuffling, lies, vacillation and imbecility does this Game Political offer to us? I cannot conclude without an earnest appeal to those Socialists, of whatever section, who may be drawn towards the vortex of Parliamentarism, to think better of it while there is yet time.
“If we ally ourselves to any of the presen[t] parties they will only use us as a cat’s-paw; and on the other hand, if by any chance a Socialist slips through into Parliament, he will do so at the expense of leaving his principles behind him; he will certainly not be returned as a Socialist, but as something else; what else is hard to say. As I have written before in these columns, Parliament is going just the way we would have it go. Our masters are feeling very uncomfortable under the awkward burden of GOVERNMENT, and do not know what to do, since their sole aim is to govern from above. Do not let us help them by taking part in their game. Whatever concessions may be necessary to the progress of the Revolution can be wrung out of them at least as easily by extra-Parliamentary pressure, which can be exercised without losing one particle of those principles which are the treasure and hope of Revolutionary Socialists.” — William Morris, the Commonweal, Volume 1, Number 10, November 1885, p. 93.[1]
Being fair, marrying a billionaire is pretty politically savvy. You get instant access to wealth and power over 99% of the population with no greater investment than a willingness to continually say yes to probably awkward sex.