URGENT: Smear needed to bring down leader who is worryingly principled

The establishment is in panic mode, frantically looking for a smear to bring down new Green leader Zack Polanski. Our WhatsApp group has been going mental as we try to come up with anything that won't look desperate and obvious. Problem is we overplayed our hand during Corbyn's time as Labour leader and people are wising up.

We've been racking our brains, trying to think of anything and all we've got is stupid shit that even I'm too embarrassed to say out loud. Our first attempt at a smear was to point out that Zack used to work as a hypnotherapist and once tried to boost a woman's confidence by making her believe she had a larger cup size.

Labour's PR team thought this was a brilliant gotcha until everyone used the opportunity to point out that Starmer said Israel has the right to withhold food, water and medicine from Palestinians - and that is maybe a tad worse. Turns out it's hard to smear someone when you're committing crimes against humanity.

We've tried desperately hard to get anything to land on Zack, but so far he is proving as slippery as an eel. For example, Ed Balls tried to pin him down on the Greens potentially taking votes away from Labour, forgetting this is how democracy is supposed to work.

Zack simply pointed out that Labour has participated in genocide and screwed over our own people with disability cuts and a two-child welfare cap. You can imagine Ed's face when he realised that rival parties are supposed to take votes and he had completely misunderstood the point of elections. Things got even worse when Zack used the opportunity to highlight the ludicrous unfairness of the FPTP system. Poor Ed looked like a complete and utter clown.

Things only got worse when Channel 4 News tried to pin Zack down on whether he would allow immigrants into the country and he simply replied that as long as they are legal immigrants, yes, he would. He then explained that it's not refugees in dinghies, but billionaires in private jets who are the problem. Turns out it's embarrassingly easy to shrug off questions like this and Keir Starmer has no need to wipe the Union Jack against his genitals 20 times a day. Who knew?

Zack is frighteningly able to talk like a regular human and respond to questions in a normal way: something that is almost unheard of in British politics. Disturbingly, he is not paralysed by fear when the Daily Mail asks him a question. He actually finds it amusing when they get mad at him. This makes him practically indestructible. I doubt we'll ever find Zack's kryptonite, but we have no choice but to keep trying.

Only problem is everything we say just makes Zack more popular. Some bright spark accused him of "entryism" because he somehow won 84% of the Green vote, and everyone was like "he won 84% of the Green vote?" Apparently, being really popular is not as sinister as we tried to pretend.

All I know is that Farage, Badenoch and Starmer can be neck deep in genocide while dragging the country to the far right, bragging about how horrendously racist they are and they will be given a free pass, but when someone comes along whose message is that life should be easier for the working class, those people must be vilified and destroyed because the last thing we need is politicians who do the right thing x

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