US asks for drunk friend to be exempt from Geneva Conventions
US asks for drunk friend to be exempt from Geneva Conventions
The friend got a bit carried away with itself
The United States of America (the second greatest country in the world after Normal Island) has had a quiet word with Switzerland and asked if its embarrassing friend can be exempt from the Geneva Conventions.
When the Geneva Conventions were established a long time ago, the intention was to ensure human rights were respected during easy times, but that they should be ignored by the finest countries during difficult times because it’s not reasonable to expect our side (the good guys) to respect human rights during difficult times. After all, this principle helped Europeans build empires.
America says its friend accidentally got drunk on the blood of Palestinian children, woke up with a hangover and has absolutely no recollection of the past 11 weeks, but it keeps hearing embarrassing rumours about its antics that include silly things like running around with underwear on its head, kissing funny looking strangers, and committing war crimes.
Let’s be honest, we’ve all been there. One night you get carried away, have a few too many, next thing, you’re waking up with bodies all around you, like, oops, I did that?!
I mean who hasn’t done things they regret when a party got out of hand, such as shooting at doctors through the windows of hospitals, releasing children you’d kidnapped with mysteriously broken bones, engulfing entire city blocks in balls of hell fire, and coming up with a dodgy cover story so your other half doesn’t give you a hard time when you arrive home late?
The hungover friend’s problem is that it keeps forgetting how stupid its cover stories are, like the one about the IDF soldier who happened to find an iPad with a Hitler screensaver in a teenage girl’s bedroom, because the first thing any soldier does during war is rummage through a bedroom and switch on a locked iPad to check out the screensaver. I think he was hoping it would be a picture of Taylor Swift.
America explained it would be unfair to hold its embarrassing friend to the same standards as countries it doesn’t like because its friend is young and really stupid. Plus, if we were all held accountable for stupid things we’d done in our youth, our lives would be ruined. For example, I once got off with leftie traitor Rory Stewart and if my colleagues knew, I’d never live it down.
Imagine if we’d held Bill Clinton accountable for that time he smoked weed in college or that time George Bush jr and his successors accidentally spent 20 years bombing Iraq and Afghanistan, killing a million people, destabilising the middle east and creating ISIS. It wouldn’t be fair, would it? The International Criminal Court is only for imposing America’s will against countries such as Russia, for example. Let’s hope Switzerland sees it this way, otherwise we could have a situation on our hands!
America is remaining rather quiet about the fact it also got drunk on the blood of Palestinian children and kept yelling: “Go Israel! Bomb! Bomb! Bomb!” while blocking UN resolutions calling for its friend to go home and take a cold shower. It also rejected a two-state solution - drunk and sober - on the basis it’s not likely to work because it doesn’t want it to x
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But of course, Palestinians, Arabs, People of Colour, are unpeople, everybody knows that don't they? Thus, just like the 20 million stolen from Africa, or the 40 million exterminated in the Americas, the millions starved to death in India, Gaza is, as they say, small potatoes. Actually, the most disgusting aspect of this obscenity is the role played by the corporate/state media, who show us weeping Israelis, that NAMES them, just so we know that they're human, just like us, or so we like to think. Palestinians are just corpses, just cadavers, they have no names, all 20,000 and counting. Like I say, small potatoes. Anyway, who gives a flying fuck about 'Sand Niggers'? I'm sickened, I'm heartbroken, I'm beside myself with grief and anger. I feel helpless. Worst of all, Israel does it in the name of my ancestors, virtually my entire family exterminated in the former Soviet Union and just like Gaza, there are no graves, I don't know their names, I don't know where they're buried. So, is Israel Jewish? No, it's WHITE, the CHOSEN people.
Beautifully done!