US bombs coordinates in Yemen supplied by random Twitter account

What could possibly go wrong?

Here’s an exciting story that you will probably think I’m making up, but it really happened!

A random Twitter user posted that they had identified a Houthi base in Yemen and excitedly shared its coordinates. It looks like someone in the Netherlands got bored and started messing around with Google Earth and thought they could advise the Trump administration on how to fight a war.

The account called itself “OSINT” which apparently means “open source intelligence”. Naturally, CENTCOM assumed someone else with a clever acronym could not possibly be wrong so it did not bother to verify anything. Instead, someone who had been playing too much Call of Duty eagerly hit a button they probably should not have been in charge of and bombed the Houthi base.

I’m told CENTCOM was forced into unorthodox intelligence gathering methods because Ansarallah kept shooting down their surveillance drones, and they were clueless on how to proceed. They were therefore incredibly grateful for the contribution from the Twitter random.

Astonishingly, the Houthi base turned out to not be a Houthi base, just like that Houthi meeting during Eid turned out to not be a Houthi meeting. In that instance, the US wiped out an entire village, but in this instance, it only wiped out three families, including children. That counts as an improvement, right? The US is slowly but surely weaning itself off mass murder and we should offer our full support.

The owner of the OSINT account said they were very sorry for misidentifying the Houthi base and have given some money to charity to absolve themselves of mass murder. Perhaps Netanyahu can give some money to charity so the ICC calls off its arrest warrants.

The OSINT person has stated there will be no more posting about possible Houthi bases, meaning CENTCOM has lost its sole source of intelligence. It will now be forced to bomb Yemen at random and hope for the best, but given Yemen is all desert, random bombings should lower the casualty rate.

It’s safe to say the war on Yemen is going incredibly well. The US’s successes include bombing the apartment block where the girlfriend of a missile scientist lived, and, um, losing 20 Reaper drones that cost $33 million each. Oh, and it lost an F/A-18 fighter jet that fell off an aircraft carrier (it happens to the best of us).

You will be delighted to hear the UK has got in on the action and started bombing Yemen too. It’s unclear how many civilians we’ve killed, but all you need to know is we’ve gone to war without a parliamentary debate because why let process spoil the fun?

Emily Thornberry tweeted that if the Houthis cared about Palestine, they would stop. I’m unclear what she meant by "stop". Stop people holding Eid festivals? Stop making civilian houses look like bases to untrained eyes? Stop having girlfriends who live in apartment buildings? Stop making the USS Truman turn sharply?

Anyway, the public agreed with Emily so strongly that she got a whopping six likes and turned the comments off. One of the people who liked the post was Emily.

Sadly, Emily can’t think of any other solution that might lead to peace, such as not bombing Yemen and not sending arms to Israel. Emily cares about Palestine so much that she thinks we should bomb one of the poorest countries in the world for Israel. Obviously, Yemen must be punished for trying to stop the genocide. Everyone who cares about Palestine agrees x

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