US conquers Greenland and quickly changes mind after realising it's cold and there's nothing there

For a while now, Trump has been talking of capturing a place he hadn’t heard of until last year: that place is Greenland. Trump was shown a really big island on the map in North America and thought he should have it. Only problem was he had no idea what he was going to do with it. It’s kind’a like when that Despicable Me villain stole the moon.

For unknown reasons, the BBC was keen to manufacture consent so it spoke of the US “acquiring Greenland through its military”, rather than illegally invading and annexing it (we only use accurate language with countries we don’t like).

Keir Starmer was a bit confused because Greenland is owned by Denmark and both the US and Denmark are controlled by white people. After saying a few insincere words about “sovereignty”, he was worried he’d got it wrong so he called his friend Netanyahu for advice. You can imagine his confusion.

Trump’s Greenland threats left the lefties in a predicament: on the one hand, annexation would be terrible because it would collapse NATO, but on the other hand, it would be brilliant because it would collapse NATO.

For weeks, Trump kept us guessing: was Greenland a ruse to distract from Venezuela? Was Venezuela a ruse to distract from Iran? Was Iran a ruse to distract from Gaza? Or was everything a ruse to distract from Epstein? It’s hard to keep up because Trump has a habit of doing the worst thing imaginable to distract from the other worst thing imaginable.

Well, thankfully, we have to guess no more…

In a stunning raid last night, Delta Force captured Greenland after taking out several polar bears and an igloo in a pre-emptive strike. The invaders looked around and realised there was nothing but ice everywhere, and you’re not gonna believe this, but it was cold. Like really cold. It was so cold their vehicles wouldn’t start and they were forced to explore the darkness on foot.

“What did Trump want this place for again?” a soldier asked, but sadly, no one could answer.

One soldier tried to pick his nose and the end of his finger broke off. I understand the piece of finger is stuck up there and he has no idea how to get it out. As you can imagine, this made the soldiers scared of peeing because you never know what might fall off next.

The soldiers were hungry so they looked for a bite to eat, but they couldn’t find a McDonald’s. “Who would even want this place? they asked, shivering. Tragically, one of the soldiers succumbed to hypothermia while trying to build an igloo and whining, “This is harder than it looks,” over and over again.

Desperate soldiers asked the Inuit for help, but the locals pretended they couldn’t speak English and smirked. Danish soldiers were so amused by the spectacle, they didn’t even bother fighting back. Tragically, one of the Danish soldiers died from laughing. I understand he was Denmark’s only casualty.

Sir Keir Starmer was so frustrated by Trump’s failure that he invoked Article 5 and demanded NATO help the US keep Greenland. Unfortunately, the US rejected the offer because, and I quote, “Who the hell wants to fight in those conditions? We’re going home.”

It’s fair to say the invasion was not as smooth as expected because no one could have predicted Greenland would be so hostile. I mean it was so hostile, it wouldn’t even let the desperate soldiers escape. The blades of a Chinook helicopter froze solid, leaving several soldiers stranded. The men have run out of bullets and angry polar bears are circling them. Yelp.

Obviously, this could get embarrassing for Trump so the plan is to forget about the soldiers and pretend the whole thing never happened. Trump is now planning to attack Iran because that might be easier, and god knows, he needs something to stop you lot talking about Epstein x

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