US whistleblowers confirm we're being visited by aliens

The truth is much weirder than you might think

Three Pentagon whistleblowers have confirmed the Earth is being visited by aliens, and I know what you’re all thinking: oh god, this makes so much sense!

The Pentagon was keeping the aliens a secret because they thought it was fun to be in a club where only they, and the people who wear tin foil hats, knew the truth. This is why they were prepared to kill anyone who spoke out, apart from the people who actually spoke out.

Ex-Navy commander David Fravor explained the spacecraft he witnessed can perform impossible manoeuvres at 100g and disable the sensors of our most advanced fighter jets. They can also mess with our cameras to make the footage grainy, so we’d assume we’re seeing an out-of-focus mosquito flying past the camera.

The aliens might be capable of sophisticated trickery, but they’re unable to see the ground for some reason and they keep hitting it. They can manipulate the zero-point energy field to achieve superluminal speed and traverse galaxy clusters, dodging quasars and space mines along the way, but the moment they reach Earth, half of them crash.

Presumably, this is because their pilots are idiots. Or maybe they come from a gas giant and are therefore unfamiliar with the concept of ground. Who knows?

Whatever the reason, ground is a massive problem for aliens and this holds us in good stead if we ever go to war, because I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we have lots of ground on Earth. It’s the aliens’ biggest nightmare.

I understand aliens are also shit scared of tin foil which is like garlic to a vampire. This means tin foil is about to sell out like toilet paper in a pandemic.

Ex-intelligence officer David Grusch has confirmed the US has found “biologics” at crash sites which they spliced with human DNA, and this is how Bono was inflicted upon the world. After this error, it was agreed humans would never splice alien DNA again.

Grusch couldn’t divulge everything he knew in a public setting, but he later revealed his secrets to several members of congress and yours truly. Therefore, I’m bringing you a world exclusive. I hope I don’t get the Julian Assange treatment for this, but here goes…

First of all, I would like to alleviate your key concerns:

If the aliens were malevolent, they would already have you aboard their mothership and be dismembering you like a 5-year-old with a daddy longlegs, but they haven’t done so… yet.

Perhaps you think they’re indifferent because if they gave a shit, they would’ve landed on the Whitehouse lawn and announced space robots will do our manual labour, freeing humanity to enjoy the beauty of life and learn about the true nature of the universe, but the bastards are letting you go to work on Monday and the space robots are partying.

The reason for these intergalactic visits is actually much simpler than you might think: the aliens find you hilarious.

You remember that TV show called Big Brother where we watched random strangers picking their noses and arguing over who gets the last of the ketchup for weeks on end? Well, that’s what the aliens are doing: watching through your webcam and listening through your Alexa and hacking into CCTV and mobile phones and basically every device you can think of.

This might be hard to believe, but you’re actually a big TV star on planet Zog. We all are. The aliens find it funny that Hilary is struggling with irritable bowel syndrome which they could easily cure, but they won’t because it would be terrible for ratings. They find it hilarious that Jim had a breakdown when his wife left him for her pilates instructor and sits on a street corner, yelling at pigeons. But their favourite part of The Earth Show™ is how they interfere with our elections and put total idiots in charge. They find this hysterical.

And this leads me onto my next point...

Now you’ve probably wondered what those crop circles are all about and I can exclusively reveal the aliens were extracting DNA samples from cow pats and horse manure, and scanning scarecrows to create a new life form. This is how America’s future president, Marjorie Taylor Greene, was born.

You don’t want to know how they made Donald Trump, but needless to say, the process caused the aliens a great deal of amusement. Apparently, Zog’s ambassador to Earth, Dave, said they can’t believe a minority of Americans voted for him. Trump’s inauguration drew record viewing-figures back on Zog where it’s considered the comedy event of the century.

Have you ever played the videogame The Sims and did stupid and mean things to your sims just because you can? That’s basically what the alien TV producers are doing to humans. Also, they don’t care about our suffering because the universe is not real and we live in a simulation, but you’re not allowed to know yet.

Even weirder, ex-pilot Ryan Graves has confirmed flat-Earth theory is a plot to keep us from knowing the world’s true geometry which is a torus. You’re probably too stupid to know what torus means so picture a donut without any sprinkles. This is what you’re living on while you entertain the aliens - a donut in a simulation - and you still have to go to work on Monday x

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