Venezuelan woman who begged Trump to bomb her country wins Nobel Peace Prize

María Corina Machado has become the first person since Barack Obama to win the Nobel Peace Prize for doing absolutely nothing. Actually, that “nothing” might be unfair because Machado has repeatedly called for the US and Israel to invade her country. She has steadfastly supported Israel’s genocide so you know she’s a good egg.

Yesterday, I built all your hopes up by suggesting Trump might win the Nobel Peace Prize, but at least you can console yourself with the fact the CIA did. In a heart warming moment, Machado dedicated her big win to Trump.

It is undeniable that Machado is a woman of peace who truly loves her people. Back in 2018, when we were pretending Juan Guaido was the rightful leader of Venezuela, she made the following request:

I am sending a letter today to Mauricio Macri, President of Argentina, and to Netanyahu, Prime Minister of Israel, to ask them to apply their force and influence to advance in the dismantling of the criminal Venezuelan regime, intimately linked to drug trafficking and terrorism.

Obviously, this sort of thing doesn’t count as treason when people in the global south do it. Machado justified her letter by saying Venezuela’s ties to Iran posed a direct threat to Israel. She even promised to move the Venezuelan embassy to Jerusalem. I’m unclear if Venezuela has its own Israeli lobby or if Machado was simply calling for one.

Her drug trafficking remark was important because it paved the way for Trump to bomb Venezuelan fishermen. Machado thanked Trump for his “firm and decisive action” to dismantle Maduro’s “criminal and terrorist structure.” As you can imagine, the families of those fishermen were incredibly moved.

Machado regularly heaps praise on Trump, and in a 2019 interview, she suggested he should consider invading her country:

“All options must be on the table, including military intervention, because the regime will not leave power voluntarily.”

Only the finest Nobel laureates would call for the US to invade their own country. Sure, invasion would turn into a quagmire worse than Iraq and Afghanistan, and millions of Venezuelans would die, but on the plus side, Machado would be installed as puppet leader and Trump would liberate the world’s largest oil reserves.

Excitingly, Machado is a massive Thatcherite who wants to sell her country’s assets faster than you can say “Javier Milei”. Every smart person knows the Argentine model would be way better for Venezuela. The Venezuelan economy is so bad, the US has to wage economic war to ensure it fails, whereas the Argentine economy is so strong, it needs a $20 billion US bailout to stay afloat.

Machado’s party is generously funded by USAID and the National Endowment for Democracy (a group that kindly installs new leaders when electorates make the wrong choice). Just know that it doesn’t count as foreign interference when our side does it.

If you still doubt Machado’s patriotism, you should know she is a big advocate for the sanctions that are starving Venezuelans. If Venezuelans don’t want to starve, they should simply overthrow their government. If they don’t, they are no more deserving of food than the Palestinians who failed to overthrow Hamas. Anyone who truly believes in democracy believes in collective punishment x

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