Weapon of mass destruction causes terror in the UK

Thank god for the emergency alert system

Millions of people across the UK received an emergency alert at 2.59pm today, warning them a terrifying weapon of mass destruction has been deployed in the UK.

The weapon was created last night in the castle grounds of Jacob Rees-Mogg by harnessing the energy generated by the hatred of Daily Mail readers and the desperate cries of hungry school children - and focusing that energy onto 100 tons of horse manure. What ensued was nothing short of horrifying.

The horse manure formed a Godzilla-sized monstrosity which rose from the ground with flies swarming around it and it roared something which sounded like “foreigners”.

As lightning flashed, the monstrosity was christened “Suella Braverman” by its cackling creator, Jacob Rees-Mogg, who said, “At last, we have something to defeat those leftie activist lawyers!”

Moments later, Suella Braverman trampled on Jacob Rees-Mogg and he was no more. I’m so sorry to tell you like this, but it’s totally what happened. I saw it with my own eyes.

Suella Braverman rampaged towards me so I cried, “Please don’t hurt me! I’m a good person. I never pay my taxes, I resent feeding working class children, and I really hate desperate refugees who come here in search of a better life!”

Miraculously, Suella Braverman marched off so I got out my phone and tweeted because I knew it would get me loads of clicks and I want to be an influencer.

Twelve hours later, Suella Braverman was spotted patrolling a Dover beach, sparking fears the government had done another massive sewage deposit. The smell was so bad, the entire county was evacuated, meaning the people were technically refugees, or as East Sussex called them “economic migrants”. A furious debate raged about whether the refugees should be deported to Kent or sent to Rwanda. While all this was going on, four dinghies in the English Channel turned around to take their chances with Macron who I’m told is marginally better than horse manure.

Suella Braverman ruthlessly pursued the dinghies, but she didn’t realise she is 100 tons of shit and she dissolved as she entered the sea. Eye witnesses explained the scene was horrible. The seagulls were retching, fish were desperately flinging themselves onto the beach, and then Thérèse Coffey arrived, insisting the water was safe to swim in. Her minion Darren Grimes said it “smells no worse than Sunderland” and grabbed a surf board to “prove the woke mob wrong”, but his surf board dissolved on contact with the water.

Since the sea was too filthy for a creature like Darren Grimes, the scale of environmental destruction was undeniable so Thérèse blamed Southern Water to keep the lefties quiet. She then vowed to fine them £100 which would thankfully be offset by a generous tax deduction.

At this point, I was informed Jacob Rees-Mogg is actually still alive because although he was squished like chewing gum and stinking of horse manure, he is a 376-year-old vampire and totally immortal. I love happy endings, don’t you? x

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