We're using Lineker to distract you from all the other shit

and we'll keep purging lefties until we find an excuse to scrap the BBC

The plan is to keep you lot focused on this manufactured scandal so you don’t ask why half the country is setting up an Only Fans or getting into armed robbery so they can afford to turn on the thermostat for fifteen minutes a day and buy black market tomatoes, but our narrative control goes deeper than that…

Now you were no doubt excited to watch me presenting Match of the Day with Matt Hancock, but sadly it was never going ahead. Given that we know nothing about football and are politically neutral, we would obviously have been the perfect people for the job though. This is because it’s essential people who talk about football have no opinions outside the world of football, unless those opinions are pre-approved by the rage machine at The Daily Mail.

You must understand that people in football have lots of influence and we don’t want them altering the status quo by pressuring the government into doing things like helping victims of torture. If the news doesn’t tell people the truth and TV presenters don’t tell people the truth and newspapers don’t tell people the truth, then no one with a platform is telling you the truth, other than maybe the odd pop star and we can easily accuse them of being out of control druggies, spandex-wearing Satanists or just overprivileged hypocrites. This is the best way to protect free speech and stop lefties doing a cancel culture.

Going forward the only language that will be tolerated will be neutral language like:

Anyone who is unable to remain politically neutral like Dark Lord Sugar of the anti-communist brigade will not be allowed on the BBC again. If you’re still unclear what we mean by neutrality, just consider the time I piled on that father of a sick seven-year-old who confronted Boris Johnson in a hospital, tweeting "This is him here". That was my finest moment as BBC political editor, apart from all those times I flirted with my secret Downing Street source Boris Johnson. I’m not bragging or anything, but I am the master of neutrality. If there was a neutrality black belt that is what I would have.

Richard Sharp (the BBC chairman who ensures his Tory donations are always politically neutral) has told Gary Lineker he can return to Match of the Day if he apologises for being a decent human being and never behaves like one again. Fortunately, it looks like Gary is too principled to accept this kind offer which means we have the perfect excuse to sack him. We just need to find a Tory donor who is wealthier than Richard to pay off Gary’s hefty contract first and then the lefty purge will well and truly begin. That’s not to say the purging process is likely to be straightforward though. Rishi Sunak is panicking because he is the first Tory prime minister ever to cause rich people (football pundits) to go on strike and this will surely have knock-on effects.

You can insult the working class, you can even starve the working class, but one thing you must never do is mess with their football. Rishi smartly asked his focus group what other thing working-class people like and the answer they came up with was “beer”. Rishi is therefore introducing another Eat Out to Help Out-style scheme where the toothless plebs get 90% off pub vouchers. This way they will be too drunk to care about the loss of football presenters and human rights and the prime minister can get on with the job of dismantling, I mean protecting democracy.

While it’s sad that I won’t be presenting Match of the Day with Matt, it’s good that no one will be presenting it for the time being and presumably ever again. The next step will be to get rid of news readers and political presenters and panellists and live audiences and just broadcast empty studios. This way we can avoid accidentally airing any human being expressing an opinion about anything.

Going forwards, we will only produce politically neutral shows like wildlife documentaries as long as they don’t include eco-terrorist David Attenborough. We can also do reruns of Coast and watch that homeless guy tell us about his Covid conspiracy theories again.

On second thoughts we’ll just air nothing at all. This is because politics involves every aspect of human life and it’s impossible to discuss any subject without politics coming into the mix. The best thing would be to simply end the BBC now or put it into private hands, and this is honestly not what we were aiming to do all along.

Anyways, until this happens, tune into Sunday with Laura Kuenssberg at 9am to watch seven impartial guests tell you why you should definitely vote Tory x

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