Woman arrested for immolating 356-year-old Jacob Rees-Mogg

Hopefully, the vampire community can now have justice

After an extensive woman-hunt lasting two days, police have thankfully arrested the monster who ended 356-year-old Jacob Rees-Mogg on live TV. The woman is a leftie called Marina Purkiss who has been targeting innocent Tories with weaponised truth bombs for too long now. Thankfully, it seems Marina’s reign of terror has come to an end.

If you’re unfamiliar with the background to this story, I shall recap for you now, but I must warn you, it’s harrowing stuff.

It all started when Jacob Rees-Mogg naively invited Marina Purkiss onto the grownup and sensible news channel known as GBeebies. Poor Jacob assumed his guest would do what fake lefties do on TV - show deference to the posh man and gently disagree with minor details while agreeing with his broader points. Not Marina. She actually said all the things you’re not allowed to say to a posh man.

For example, when Jacob asked about our fake “war on woke”, Marina refused to play her role and instead called it out for what it is: a distraction technique. This is not how we play the game! You can’t just break the fourth wall like that. Politics is supposed to be a performance and the audience is not supposed to know it’s a performance.

I fear that as a result of Marina’s outburst, all 42 brainwashed dipshits who were watching GBeebies that night have been de-radicalised. That’s 42 lost little gammons suddenly coming to the realisation they’ve been living a lie.

The unrelenting Marina pointed on that if we stop fighting the imaginary war on woke, people might start talking about the real problems, like the fact they can’t afford to eat. They might even realise Liz Truss is the reason they need a mortgage to buy a tin of baked beans and the interest on that mortgage is fucking ridiculous.

A flailing Jacob brought up the importance of freedom of speech, but Marina brutally crushed him by pointing out his government is limiting our ability to protest. Marina also mentioned that people are dying waiting for an ambulance, our education system is falling apart, and we’ve got the highest energy bills in the world.

SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO DEFEND THE REWORDING OF A FUCKING ROALD DAHL BOOK AND SHE REFUSED TO PLAY THAT GAME. ARGH!

The monster then highlighted that Jacob uses his freedom of speech to lie to people. It was at this point Jacob spontaneously caught fire, but even then Marina refused to relent, saying:

“You lie and you lie and you’ve got no contrition for what you’ve done to people.”

Shortly after, she said to the flaming vampire:

“Are you telling me they should’ve known you are a liar?”

Poor Jacob was writhing around on the floor at this point, begging for mercy, but Marina continued fanning the flames:

“LIAR! LIAR! LIAR!”

And then parliament’s favourite vampire discovered he wasn’t so immortal after all and turned to ash. Marina grinned and said:

“There it is, the first benefit of Brexit!”

I have tears in my eyes as I type. I just don’t understand how the people whose lives were ruined by our needless lies can be so bitter and cruel.

We live in a horrible time when lefties have realised they don’t have to politely nod along to rich people and pretend we are presenting a sensible argument. They can just call us out on our bullshit and destroy us with the truth. It’s only a matter of time until the public realise politicians aren’t public servants and journalists aren’t journalists. I therefore propose we put Marina on the next flight to Rwanda with Gary Lineker and David Attenborough. It’s the only way x

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