World's most moral army fires tank shells at people waiting for food

Obviously, this was self-defence

Israeli tank drivers have decided it would be a good idea to blast Palestinians who were queuing for food in Rafah, killing at least 104 civilians and injuring 700 more.

Please rest assured that when we report this on BBC News, we will resort to our expert use of the passive voice. We will clarify we have no idea who the killers are and the victims spontaneously exploded with no obvious cause. We will definitely not use words like “slaughter” and “massacre” because those words are reserved for countries we don’t like.

We are fair and impartial at the BBC, unlike the anti-war brigade that expects us to present full and accurate information, even when reporting about Israel. That lot just never stop whining about petty nonsense, do they?

Thankfully, James Cleverly is keen to ban pro-Palestinian protests because those annoying marchers have “made their point”. Obviously, their goal was to make a political point here, and not, say, stop a genocide, so well done, do-gooders, your job has been done! You can go home now. We’ve taken your point and completely ignored it. What more could a protester ask for? Justice? Certainly not a ceasefire, that’s for sure!

You will be pleased to hear Labour is investigating councillors who voted for a ceasefire, even though the Labour leader is pretending he wants a ceasefire. This is because the ceasefire the councillors voted for didn’t have stipulations that would make a ceasefire impossible. Obviously, it’s the councillors who are being unreasonable because our close allies are not supposed to stop killing until their demands are met. This is why the IDF are nothing like terrorists.

A report has found Israel misrepresented eight pieces of evidence at the International Court of Justice, providing incorrect annotations and misleading descriptions, but the real problem is that Gen Z has ushered in a “post-truth era”. I'm told they’ve even taken control of the knesset, just to make Israel look bad. What do you mean, I'm not making any sense?

A teenager with blue hair forced Israel to tell the ICJ an image showed a “Hamas launch site” when, in fact, it showed one of Israel's blast craters. Even worse, someone with pronouns in their bio (who doesn’t appreciate how gay-friendly the country that doesn’t allow gay marriage is), forced Israel to pretend it was allowing aid trucks into Gaza when the trucks were actually heading in the opposite direction.

Obviously, Israel wanted to truthfully represent the situation in Gaza, but those pesky kids decided to embarrass them at the ICJ with their evil post-truth schemes or something.

Why won’t Gen Z appreciate that Israel sometimes paints rainbows on its murder bombs? I thought these people wanted representation! Do you think putting pronouns on IDF tanks will do it, or am I getting the kids wrong? I think that's unlikely because us older, wiser people could never be out of touch with humanity, could we?

The LA Times is reporting the IDF has been executing five-year-old children with gun shots to the head, but the biggest objection our politicians have is to the use of terms like “collective punishment” and “genocide” because accurate descriptions are much worse than monstrous actions.

An American doctor who arrived in Gaza described the constant humming of surveillance drones and the stench of a million people living without sanitation in a sea of tents, but at least the UK’s most influential figures are taking a moral stand.

For example, the Archbishop of Canterbury refused to meet with a Palestinian pastor because he committed the war crime of standing on a stage with Jeremy Corbyn.

The American doctor in Gaza joined the hospital’s only surgeon, who was forced to live in the hospital because his home had been destroyed. He performed 10 to 12 surgeries a day, pulling shrapnel out of people’s flesh as the operating room shook from the incessant bombing.

If this concerns you, just know that US intellectual Kid Rock has laid out the moral case for even more bombing until those five-year-olds do something to stop Hamas, and if you’re not in agreement with Kid Rock on any important matter, I’m afraid I just can’t respect your intellect x

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