X Factor legend Wagner is on his way to Moscow to fight Putin

It's Varg-ner not Wag-ner

If you’ve just woken up with a hangover and you’re wondering if we’ve all been vaporised, the answer is sadly not yet, and as it stands, you’ll have to go to work on Monday. Also, the DWP has confirmed that anyone who comes down with radiation sickness will be declared fit for work, so no skiving, okay? You will spend the last days of your existence being yelled at by a customer who needs technical support because they can’t work the control on their smart TV box. After all, this is all you’re good for!

Now you probably have no idea what the fuck happened last night because Ukraine has no idea, NATO has no idea, Putin doesn’t have the slightest bloody clue, and - you’re not going to believe this - I haven’t the faintest because I went to bed, but as the world’s finest journalist, I feel it’s my job to come up with a cock-and-bull explanation so I’ll give it my best shot.

DISCLAIMER: All of the following information is fully sourced from Dilyn the dog and no less credible than any of my reporting on the BBC, okay?

Wagner (I’ve double checked and yes, it is the same legend who competed in X-Factor in 2010) was extremely pissed off because Putin kept butchering the pronunciation of his name. (It’s Varg-ner, not Wag-ner!)

Anyways, Varg-ner went on a massive bender in the rubble of Mariupol, and once he’d drained the local vodka supply, he went on a rampage. Varg-ner put on his finest silk shirt and leggings and announced: “I’m marching to Moscow to sort that idiot Vlad out!” and his men thought this sounded hilarious so they followed him because they wanted to see the drama unfold.

Sadly, they all went on foot because they forgot Russia is really big and it’s going to take them ages to walk to Moscow so they’re keeping the world in suspense. Hopefully, someone can arrange a taxi to pick them up because this shit is definitely going viral.

Interestingly, I’m told Joe Biden is sitting this one out because Putin has footage of Hunter that’s even more embarrassing than the infamous pee tapes of Donald Trump (FYI these were tapes of Trump peeing himself due to bladder control issues and not, as previously reported, a prostitute peeing on him. Glad to clarify.)

This means it’s down to the British to sort this out, but sadly we have a massive conflict of interests and it’s unclear whose side we’re on. (I think we’ll just pretend we were always on the side of whoever wins.)

British prime minister Rishi Sunak has expressed deep concern for the Russians who donated a total of £2.3 million to the Tory Party, such as Lubov Chernukhin, the wife of the former Russian finance minister (I think she might be the one who helped Carrie redecorate). Thankfully, Lord Lebedev of Siberia is safely hidden in his bunker in the House of Lords.

It’s feared if this thing goes badly, the Tories could actually go bankrupt because let’s face it, no one in the UK is going to donate to them when they’re polling at about 4%. The UK is an even bigger mess than Ukraine and they’ve been getting bombed for the last 16 months.

Nerves were running high in Moscow after the UK offered to send over a peace delegation led by Liz Truss - the UK’s deadliest weapon of mass destruction. It’s well-known the damage caused by the only previous detonation of a “Truss bomb” and Putin’s regime is terrified she could go rogue and run the Russian economy. Even worse, she might do one of those Polonium-210 handshakes that she used to kill the Queen.

Liz is still embarrassed about the time she thought the Voronezh and Rostov oblasts were Ukrainian territory, and if she can’t have another go at being prime minister, she’s determined to earn redemption by inflicting her leadership on Russia. Liz is so eager, she’s even bought one of those Russian woolly hats, unaware she’s only supposed to wear it in winter and she’s making herself look like a tit.

Fortunately for Russia, Liz is shit at geography and she accidentally turned up in Poland where she was told: “This is Warsaw, not Moscow, you fucking idiot!” to which Liz replied: “Is there a difference?” and everyone ran away from her hand which was glowing green for some inexplicable reason.

Fortunately, Liz’s slight detour has given the panic-stricken Russians a short time to prepare. They’ve been desperately scrambling to build up their defensive forces (the anti-growth coalition) and this is why we’ve been seeing tanks on the streets of Moscow.

A shaken Putin has stationed nukes in Belarus and threatened to turn Ukraine into an irradiated wasteland, or as Rishi Sunak calls it, Teesside. I understand two British developers called Chris Musgrave and Martin Corney are keen to build a freeport among the ashes and have offered to buy the land for a fiver. Excitingly, Michelle Mone says she can upgrade her lingerie factory to make radiation suits as long as someone buys her a yacht.

Unnervingly, the Russian capital could soon face a double-pronged assault of a “mini-budget” and a drunken rendition of “Bat Out of Hell” from Varg-ner on the karaoke. Sensibly, Putin has cut off Russia’s internet so no one could be tempted to watch previous Varg-ner performances on YouTube. This would instil fear in the toughest former Olympic weightlifter grandmas and Putin needs them for the frontline because half his military has switched sides.

General Varg-ner has been filmed laughing and joking with Russian generals who were ordered to arrest him, suggesting this thing might not be going Putin’s way and Russia could be left in the same state as the UK. This has strengthened hopes Putin might finally push the button, because let’s be honest, nuclear annihilation would still be preferable to going to work on Monday x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x