807% of Americans think Trump staged assassination attempt so he could build a ballroom

In a stunning new poll conducted by NIN, it was revealed that 807% of Americans have rejected Trump’s latest piece of carefully crafted propaganda. In the past, presidents used to get away with lying, but thanks to social media, Trump just keeps getting caught out. It’s infuriating.

Following the dramatic shooting at the White House Correspondent’s Dinner that tragically killed zero politicians, the entire internet jumped to the conclusion that the whole thing was staged. No one could accept that Americans are amazingly good at shooting school kids, but can’t shoot one big, fat orange man. They all agreed this was implausible.

To make matters worse, everyone had predicted another false flag! Smug social media users are dragging up their tweets from last week where they said Trump is gonna stage an assassination attempt to distract us from all his other failed distractions — and he only went and fucking did it! Weirdly, it looks like these people do not have psychic powers, just basic pattern recognition skills.

At first, I tried to defend the president and accuse them all of being conspiracy theorists, but this latest plot was so embarrassing, I just gave up.

Trump was recently told by a judge that he couldn’t build his ballroom without congressional approval, unless there was a security threat, so he did the natural thing: he hired a fake assassin so that an Israeli architect called Shalom Baranes could build the ballroom and Mossad could place its spy tech everywhere.

Trump had never previously attended a White House Correspondent’s Dinner, and when he agreed to attend this one, Karoline Leavitt kept saying things like there will be “shots fired” and Trump will “bring the heat” in what was either a bizarre Freudian slip or a deliberate attempt to play with us!

Immediately after the shooting took place, the president, his colleagues, and Twitter bots all declared this sort of security threat is why they need the ludicrously extravagant ballroom! We saw hundreds of identical tweets (and a barely readable long-form post from the president) insisting this is the only way to protect Trump from false flags. I mean, you could at least have waited a few days so it didn’t look so obvious, guys!

The story was just as badly thought through as every other plot Kash Patel has scripted, and I’m unsure if it’s down to his drinking or if he’s just a moron. It could be both.

What you are expected to believe is that someone breached the US president’s security perimeter with a gun for the third time. Even worse, the US is at war, meaning you are expected you to believe the Secret Service hired the dumbest motherfuckers on the planet to protect the president. Even Nicolas Maduro’s security wasn’t this weak!

We are told the gunman charged at a security checkpoint and shot a police officer in his bullet proof vest—an attack that could never have succeeded in reaching the president, making him the worst would-be assassin in history.

Multiple shots were fired in response and the shooter was pinned to the ground, but there was not a drop of blood, nor any suggestion of trauma in his face. He looked calm and relaxed as he lay cuffed, facedown, and not remotely injured. Perhaps he was a robot.

When the shots were going off, RFK jr didn’t even bother ducking because he had read the script. He had the look of a man who was wondering what the hell he had been dragged into. Sadly, Trump’s security team forgot Melania existed as they escorted the president to safety with zero sense of urgency. The only part of this that looked real was Stephen Miller using his pregnant wife as a human shield.

Shortly after the shooting, key figures in Trump’s team were caught on camera, giggling and smirking like naughty school kids who had just pranked their teacher. Trump took out his phone and posted on Truth Social to get a few likes, and then he arranged a press conference in record time. This was so weird, even a BBC journalist questioned it.

A Fox News reporter was telling us about about the false flag indications live on air, but she was cut off before she could say too much. She explained she was sitting next to Karoline Leavitt’s husband who told her “stay calm, this appears to be…” shortly before the bullets started flying.

The official story was falling apart so Kash Patel decided the best thing was to put out his evidence, fast. Only the fucking idiot left the watermark on one of his AI videos. I face-palmed so hard, I gave myself a black eye.

Normally, the shooter’s manifesto would not be released to avoid inspiring other shooters, but this one was quickly released. It explicitly targeted all of Trump’s key officials, apart from Kash Patel, presumably because it was written by Kash Patel.

We were initially told the shooter had been killed, rather than apprehended, because some idiot forgot to read the script. We were told he had an AR-15, but the weapon looked more like a makeshift shotgun. It’s fair to say they’re messing this story up as badly as they messed up the Tyler Robinson story.

For three whole days before the shooting, there was a massive spike in Google searches for the shooter’s name. Why do intelligence agencies always make this so obvious?

Anyways, they found out everything about this guy faster than they found the passports after 9/11. Apparently, 31 -year-old Cole Tomas Allen attended the elite Caltech University, became a rocket scientist and worked on AI models, mapping planets. He also built robots as a hobby. He worked at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory where all those scientists have mysteriously gone missing. I’m not making this up!

Clearly, the guy was a genius and yet he switched careers, becoming a part-time teacher and self-employed indie game developer… who became an assassin? That’s a weird career trajectory, right? No wonder Trump is keen to fire Kash Patel. You can’t have a drunk guy doing your propaganda!

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