Americans furious as Catholic church appoints pope who believes in Christianity
This is not what Catholicism is supposed to be about
Obviously, you’re as devastated as me that Donald Trump did not become the pope, but I can confirm he rejected the role because he is a very busy man. Everyone knows Trump could be pope as easily as I could be the virgin Mary, but golf is much more important than pope stuff.
When Trump turned down the role, Americans were praying the Catholic church would appoint a pope who is a little less like Jesus than the last guy and a little more like an American.
It all seemed to be going so well when the church did, in fact, elect an American. It seemed to be going even better when they discovered the new pope had failed to act during the Catholic paedophilia scandal.
As you can imagine, all of Epstein’s clients in congress thought they had found an ally. They could not contain their excitement when a quote was unearthed of the new pope saying something homophobic. “Hallelujah!” they cried “We’ve finally got a pope who is as hateful as we are!”
But as more digging was done, the mood soured. Disturbingly, the new pope turned out to not be quite as monstrous as we had hoped. Cue our favourite fruit loops doing their utmost to make him appeal to gen-Z by calling him “WOKE MARXIST POPE”.
The new pope was called Robert Provost, but he has changed his name to Leo XIV. It’s kind’a like the time that Irish guy emerged from his chrysalis and became the beautiful butterfly known as Bono. The new pope just wants to be as cool as Bono.
The artist formerly known as Robert Provost is considered a centrist because he is ever-so-slightly to the left of Trump and sometimes says nice words that he may or may not mean. Either way, nice words are intolerable.
In one outrageous tweet, Provost disagreed with JD Vance and said: “Jesus doesn’t ask us to rank our love for others”. This infuriated every American who thinks McDonald’s workers don’t deserve healthcare.
Disturbingly, the new pope once honoured George Floyd and suggested it was wrong for a white supremacist cop to kneel on his neck. Even worse, he has repeatedly suggested we should care about refugees. Fucking refugees. Who the hell are we gonna blame for the failures of capitalism, if not the most desperate people on earth?
No wonder so many Christians are upset. One galaxy-brained American, who has probably never read the Bible, commented: “I think we need to elect our own pope. There’s been multiple popes before, there’s precedent. We need to protect traditional beliefs and the Bible.”
You could be forgiven for asking who cares about the pope anyway? Who cares about a guy who wears silly costumes and drives around in a pope mobile? Why does any of this shit even matter?
Well, aside from the fact the Vatican guards UFO secrets, it matters because the people who pretend to be Christians need God’s messenger on Earth to not undermine them.
We need to pretend Jesus would carry an AK-47, charge people for healthcare, take away food stamps, and drive around in a Hummer while listening to talk radio. The last thing we need is a pope who reminds Americans about all that commie shit in the Bible. We don’t want our Christians to be brainwashed by Christianity, do we? x
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Jesus sees a black man weeping outside a Church door.
'What aileth' he asks
'They won't let me in'
'I wouldn't worry. They have not let ME in for decades. Now I prefer to stay outside. Come'
Excellent satire, as always! Right wing Americans are members of the Church of the "Free" market. They certainly don't want some brown Middle Eastern dude spoiling it all with his teachings about feeding people and loving your neighbour.