Bank of England making emergency plans for aliens in move that makes satirists redundant

In an extraordinary attack on political satire, Helen McCaw, a senior analyst at the UK’s central bank, has advised we make contingencies for confirmation of the existence of alien life.

Now a story this ridiculous would usually go no further than The Daily Mail, right after it was rejected by The Onion. However, this one even made it into The Times. The fucking Times. What the hell do I do with this, other than report the facts?

It’s fair to say Helen McCaw is not your average tin foil hat-wearing nutjob looking for a distraction from the Epstein files. She worked in financial security for the Bank of England for ten years and may or may not be a remote-controlled biological drone with an ulterior motive.

McCaw has suggested we might soon have confirmation of a non-human intelligence interacting with earth. She warned an announcement that Senator Lindsey Graham is an alien, and President Trump isn’t, could cause widespread societal confusion, market volatility, and a collapse of the banking system.

Obviously, that sounds terrifying, but on the plus side, we finally have an explanation for why Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones kept turning up at people’s doors in black suits.

McCaw suggested the US is part way through a multi-year pathway to disclosure, which will involve confirmation of the following: Ted Cruz - reptilian, Sharon Osborne - insectoid, Bill Gates - changeling, Ivanka Trump - Nordic, Hillary Clinton - grey, Keir Starmer - borg, Liz Truss - malfunctioning borg, Kanye West - miscellaneous, and most puzzling of all, Donald Trump - human. Medical science is at a loss to explain the last one.

McCaw said: “We may have to acknowledge the existence of a power or intelligence greater than any government and with potentially unknown intentions.” It’s unclear if she was still talking about aliens here, or AIPAC, or possibly both. Actually, Alien-Israel Public Affairs Committee makes so much sense, come to think of it.

McCaw’s warnings of market volatility are already proving prophetic as we see huge turmoil in the job market. Several thousand satirists have been declared bankrupt, and even a publication as wildly successful as Normal Island News is facing challenges.

“Are you just a regular news outlet now?” our readers keep asking, and the answer is “yes”. I’m afraid there is no other way Normal Island News can survive.

Normal Island News was already facing a challenging year with stiff competition from CBS News, following the appointment of Bari Weiss. Many of you probably thought Bari Weiss was a satirical character like Titania McGrath or Laura Kuenssberg, but no, she is real. The only explanation here is she is one of those fucking aliens.

So who else do you think is an alien? We need to figure this out fast? x

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