Biden quits race after assassin fails to save his re-election campaign

This is a sad day for democracy

You will be shocked to hear America’s finest president since Donald Trump, Joe Biden, will not be standing for re-election. The only person who is sad about this news is Donald Trump who must now make an effort to win.

The bar was so low that Trump just had to avoid boasting about sexual assaults during the presidential race and he was a shoo-in. Now it’s feared he’ll have to go to extra lengths like taking a shower and announcing America’s next war.

Biden has been ordered to endorse Kamala Harris, who is also renowned for unintelligible speeches, despite not having old age to blame. She’s just useless, but still polling marginally better than the outgoing president. This shows how stacked with talent the Democrat party is.

President Biden, affectionately known as “genocide Joe” to his fans, will be remembered for falling asleep during briefings and carpet-bombing Palestinians in a way only the lesser of two evils can. Tributes have poured in for the man who broke a glass ceiling when he became the oldest president ever at 106 years of age.

President Zelensky, who Biden affectionately renamed “President Putin”, described Biden as “the most generous grandad anyone has ever had”. Biden’s son, Hunter, wiped a tear from his eye and said: “I would be in prison now, were it not for that man”. An AIPAC spokesman thanked Biden for the bombs, but said they hope his replacement will be “even more genocidal”. They expect a return on their investment.

The Democrats are yet to officially choose a replacement for genocide Joe, but they are frantically searching for the worst possible candidate. I’m told the criteria is someone who loves war, is receptive to the advances of AIPAC, and is truly hated by the American public. If they do opt for Kamala, they can weaponise identity politics and call you a bad person if you don’t vote for her. This strategy worked brilliantly in 2016.

One worrying possibility is that when Kamala loses, we’ll have to deal with insufferable weirdos saying “I’m still with her” for the next ten years. This almost makes me want her to win. Almost.

Biden’s polling numbers had plummeted since the corporate media noticed he was senile four years behind the people they call “cranks”. Confusion swept across the US when journalists stopped reading propaganda like robots and started doing their fucking jobs. Obviously, Biden’s situation only became real when the media noticed and prior to this it was a “conspiracy theory”. The fact checkers told me so.

For the past four years, Biden was considered fit to be president, but not competent enough to be accountable for war crimes, making him no different from any other US president. Biden’s aides drugged him up to the eyeballs to help him finish his sentences, but even with the help of stimulants that are illegal in 76 countries and would get you banned from the Olympics, reading from an autocue became too strenuous.

Biden was desperately hoping to cling onto the presidency, but he ran out of options as his one hope of re-election - the assassination of Trump - failed miserably. I understand he is now being consoled by Melania who was definitely not in on this x

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