Brave Iranian feminists scrawl "Trump" across their breasts while waiting for bombs to liberate them
As the Maduro thing fizzled out and the Epstein thing didn’t, President Trump desperately needed an excuse to bomb Iran, and right on cue, those brave Iranians spontaneously started rioting. It was the best coincidence because it gave us the excuse to liberate their oil and their hot women.
It truly has been a liberating past few days. I can’t tell you how much fun I’ve had lecturing privileged human rights supporters. “Oh, you don’t want a regime change war? What are you? A fucking Ayatollah supporter?”
The telecommunications blackout has given us the perfect chance to lie to our heart’s content. I’m now in a competition with Bari Weiss to see who can inflate the casualty figure highest. I’ve reached seventy-twelve trillion and ninety-five and I’m winning because Bari can’t count that high. This is what makes me the world’s best propagandist.
Obviously, I don’t want to hog all of the propagandising though. This is a time for everyone to join in—and everyone who wants an excuse to bomb Iran is doing exactly that. The people who didn’t give a fuck about Gaza finally have an excuse to have a go at others. “You lot are morally inconsistent!” they yell.
“You were opposed to bombing Palestinians and now you’re opposed to bombing Iranians? Clearly, you don’t give a fuck about women!” cries every incel who wants to nab one of those hot Iranian chicks who smoke cigarettes on TikTok. No one tell them those women are not actually Iranian…
The spontaneous riots have given every ICE supporter a chance to rebrand as a noble defender of women’s rights, only those riots weren’t as spontaneous as we thought.
Israel’s Channel 14 has confirmed that Mossad agents were handing out weapons to their Iranian recruits. Even better, they bragged of being in the field alongside them. “They are the reason for the hundreds of regime personnel killed,” explained Channel 14’s Tamir Morag.
I’m guessing they were also behind the bombings of those mosques which goaded the Iranians into enough of a response that even Guardian readers felt the need to condemn it. This has muddied the waters enough for the US and Israel to launch an attack, which we are told is now imminent. Nothing short of the Iranians obtaining the Epstein files can stop it now.
The liberators of Gaza have all the excuse they need for another war of liberation. As you can imagine, the small percentage of women in Iran who identify with western feminists are fucking thrilled. They tore off their non-mandatory hijabs and ran into the streets, waiting to be saved by American bombs. "Hopefully, Iran can become the next Gaza!" they cried, clutching pictures of Donald Trump against their heaving chests.
One woman took advantage of the morality police being dead by stripping naked, revealing the word “Trump” scrawled across her bare breasts. “Those Epstein islanders don’t know how lucky they are,” she sighed.
When Trump saw footage of her, he specifically asked if the bombs “could spare that one”, but sadly, his female stealth bomber pilot couldn’t make any promises. “Even a girl boss like me can’t decide who those bombs do and don’t kill,” she explained.
Oh well, at least her scattered body parts will be liberated from the Ayatollah. Those women are about to be so liberated that there won’t be anything left of their city. Their remains will probably never be found, but western feminists assure me that still counts as an improvement. I love wars of liberation, don’t you? x
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I appreciate the satire and irony.
I didn’t even laugh at this one.
I just got angry.
I’m sick and tired of the killings by usarael and grate britain.
trump’s ice is killing civilians right here in the military headquarters of israel.
Shooting our women in the face.
We need a decapitation strike in washington dc.
I hate this fucking country.
I’ve seen ice take people off the streets three times in the last two days.
I’ve seen Palestinians freezing in tents on my screen; when they aren’t busy being killed that is.
I went to an ice out protest on Tuesday, and no one showed up but me.
Bourgeoise liberals and fascist MAGAs make me vomit.
Sorry for being Debbie downer today.
Somebody’s gotta do it.
Can’t just do nothing.
The bright spot that occurred to me as I pen this, is little Ezra.
He’s a fighter too.
Bless you both.
And, thank you.
Putting it all in perspective, thanks Laura.