Britain left leaderless after Sir Keir Starmer does not resign as prime minister

In a stunning turn of events, Sir Keir Starmer has left the nation leaderless after he failed to offer his resignation as prime minister. As a result, we are now in the same position we have been in for the last 21 months, with no one bothering to govern the country and everyone else taking the blame for the prime minister’s shortcomings.

Yesterday, Starmer was forced to defend his perfectly rational decision to hire the Prince of Darkness as ambassador to the US. Starmer had initially claimed ignorance, insisting he had no idea he was prime minister at the time of the appointment. Strangely, no one was buying his amnesia story, so he did what any true leader would do: he took full responsibility.

Starmer stood in parliament and made an apology to the victims of Epstein with all the enthusiasm of someone filing a late tax return. He insisted no one could have foreseen that Epstein’s best friend would fail security vetting.

When both sides of the chamber laughed, Starmer said it was “staggering” and “beggars belief” that no one told him Mandelson wouldn’t be allowed to be school caretaker, let alone ambassador. Diane Abbott questioned why he never bothered to ask if Mandelson had passed, but Starmer simply told Britain’s first black female MP to know her place.

Doing his best angry-but-disciplined face, Starmer vowed to punish the civil servant who made him repeatedly lie to the public about the Mandelson appointment. When Zarah Sultana called him a “bare-faced liar”, she was yelled at by the ever-dignified house speaker who came across like a supply teacher losing control of the classroom. Sultana was removed from the chamber and suspended for five days because accountability is important.

The Your Party MP disgracefully doubled down, telling reporters outside parliament, she had a duty to her constituents to tell the truth. A spokesperson for the prime minister later responded: “No one has the right to point out when the prime minister is lying. What does that woman think this is? A democracy?”

Starmer reassured the nation that he will continue the important job of looking the other way as our allies commit war crimes while doing nothing at home to benefit ordinary people. He is confident this will improve his polling numbers and help us avoid dangerous possibilities, such as leadership and hope.

Excitingly, Starmer aims to not resign as prime minister for at least the next three years. Let’s hope the upcoming local elections don’t throw a spanner in the works, eh?

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