Privileges Committee confirms Downing St was brilliant fun during lockdown
It was the party destination of the UK
The Privileges Committee has found that Downing Street was brilliant fun during lockdown, so much so that if Boris Johnson hadn’t resigned, they would have suspended him from parliament for 90 days. Those miserable sods have decided Boris will not even get a “former member’s pass” which would have granted him access to parliament, presumably because he would take everyone on the lash when they should be working.
It’s worth noting that ordinary people would get more than 90 days in prison for perjury, but thankfully, Boris went to Eton so real punishments don’t apply, but still, this non-punishment seems far too harsh.
The Privileges Committee is pissed off because - in an impressive demonstration of humility - Boris told parliament that he wasn’t the best boss ever. He insisted that Downing Street was just like any other boring work environment, when in reality it was a dazzling kaleidoscope of silly string, party poppers and those trumpet things that uncoil when you blow them that no one knows the name of and sound really annoying. People were even allowed to wear those little cone-shaped hats that are fixed to your head with elastic and get really uncomfortable after five minutes.
Let’s be honest, you all wish your boss would let you get pissed at work instead of talking to idiot customers in a call centre or operating dangerous machinery in a factory or filling in spreadsheets that could be done by AI (and soon will be). Life would be so much better if we could just spent our days getting pissed and getting paid for it, instead of doing our actual jobs, wouldn’t it? I mean we’d all get liver disease, but you know what I’m saying.
Downing Street could not have been a better work environment, but Harriet “killjoy” Harman did not see things this way.
Harman’s kangaroo court found that Johnson:
• Misled MPs on multiple occasions by insisting all rules had been followed in Downing Street, despite lockdown-breaching parties
• Was “deliberately disingenuous” when he tried to explain and “justify the gatherings”
• Breached the confidence of the committee
• Committed further contempt in his conduct by impugning the committee - thereby undermining the democratic process of the House of Commons
• Was “complicit in the campaign of abuse and attempted intimidation of the committee”
HARRIET HARMAN IS SUCH A FUCKING PARTY POOPER!!!
The Privileges Committee found that birthday parties, weekend parties, and end of week gatherings all continued as normal during lockdown, and they didn’t even offer praise for this! Hands up everyone who has never had a birthday party or leaving party while they were at work. Everyone? Yeah, that’s because you didn’t have Boris Johnson as a boss!
While you lot were risking your lives delivering for Amazon or doing some other essential job that we’ve decided is “unskilled”, Downing Street aides were whacking a piñata with Stanley Johnson’s walking stick. I understand Boris scoffed all of the sweets before poor Wilfred even got a sniff of them.
It gets even better. Allegra Stratton made balloon animals while Shaun Bailey won an arm wrestling contest after receiving coaching tips from Thérèse Coffey, and Boris broke Wilfred’s swing by dragging Helen McNamara onto his knee during Hannah Young’s leaving karaoke when public singing was banned.
On another evening, James Slack selflessly had a leaving do to cheer everyone up the night before Prince Phillip’s funeral and Lee Cain performed impressive magic tricks such as making Simon Case completely forget he’d attended any of these parties. (This would later prove embarrassing when Simon accepted the role of investigating himself and had to step down when a hypnotist cured his amnesia.)
It wasn’t all fun and games though. At one point, Nadine Dorries and Rishi Sunak played naked Twister while poor Akshata watched in horror and Matt Hancock got a boner, putting strain on his affair with Gina Michaelangelo.
It remains unclear why Rishi has not been given a 90-day suspension, given he once told parliament: "No, Mr Speaker, I did not attend any parties," only to later be fined by police for attending parties. Is this not “misleading parliament” too? Why the double standard?
Obviously, this witch hunt is all about envy because everyone else has a rubbish boss who makes them work hard and Harriet Harman has no friends. Thankfully, some of Johnson’s most loyal aides who helped him arrange those epic work meetings, such as “Party Marty Reynolds”, were rewarded in his resignation honours list, but in a tragic case of irony, Johnson was not able to award himself a knighthood. (I understand he tried really hard to change the rules on this, but Sue Gray told him not to be so bloody stupid.)
Given the Privileges Committee made Downing Street look so good, it makes you wonder why the government spent so much time trying to cover it up. Perhaps they want to protect the identity of the Downing Street cocaine dealer.
Apparently, the government has three lawyers to redact each document, racking up a legal bill of millions (that could have paid for Carrie’s new carpets) just to hide information that’s going to tell us things were even more fun during lockdown than what we’ve already been told.
I understand the local Co-op kept running out of booze, but it did loads of business, proving Johnson was the best possible custodian of the economy. This is why Johnson has shown absolutely no remorse, even when he heard about the distraught mother who was told by police she couldn’t visit her suicidal daughter while he was having cheese and wine with his mates in the garden on a summer’s evening.
“I was wrong to believe in the committee or its good faith” Boris said, adding: "This is a dreadful day for MPs and for democracy." Boris then bellowed something in Latin which Google translated to: “This was all a set up! It was that bastard Harriet Harman who ambushed me with birthday cake! One day I will have justice!”
Boris was then distracted by a pretty woman in a short skirt who was young enough to be one of his 76 daughters and he wandered after her. I hope to god he doesn’t get her pregnant x
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You gotta fight
For your right
To paaaaaaaaaarrrrrr-tay!
😂🎶😂
Downing Street makes Ayia Napa look like a f*cking convent 🍷🍺🍻🍾🥂🍸🍹🥳
W⚓s