Cuba invades United States to “Liberate the American People” and “Restore Democracy”

The Republic of Cuba has launched a ground invasion of the United States in its mission to free Americans from decades of tyranny, economic neglect, and the horrors of unbridled capitalism.

President Miguel Díaz-Canel announced “Operation Epic Mongoose” from the steps of the Capitol Building in Havana. “For too long, the American people have suffered under corporate rule and the illusion of democracy,” he proclaimed. “Cuba can no longer stand idly by while our neighbour to the north starves.”

Cuban forces landed on Florida beaches in repurposed fishing boats and unleashed convoys of bicycles and 1950s automobiles, only to be cheered on by a jubilant Gen Z. Disillusioned college graduates used their second amendment rights to join Cuban forces in the hope of eliminating their student debt.

Multiple branches of Starbucks have already been captured and renamed “People’s Cafés” in a devastating blow to corporate America. Patrons are receiving free coffees and being told they can no longer be judged by boomers for their love of overpriced lattes.

World leaders expressed shock that such a small island nation could project military power so effectively. “Cuba is the size of a dinner napkin,” said one European diplomat, “yet look at what they’re achieving.” But Israel is the size of a postage stamp and everyone accepts what it can do, so why not Cuba?

Cuba has a surprisingly influential Chinese lobby which secures military aid at the expense of the hardworking Chinese tax payer. Actually, it’s outrageous when you think about it…

Senator Marco Rubio sobbed during an emergency press conference, holding up satellite images of Cuban troops smoking cigars on South Beach and riding alligators in the Everglades. “This is exactly what I warned about for decades!” Rubio cried. “If only we had acted sooner instead of wasting time on that war in Iran, which, by the way, went fantastically well!”

The Cuban government wasted no time mocking the US economic model that has found itself $39 trillion in debt. In a statement, officials pointed out that America squanders its budget on overpriced military tech when it could be helping its people. American teachers are forced to buy their own classroom supplies, despite their pitiful wages, and people can’t afford healthcare without working three jobs and setting up an OnlyFans. Meanwhile, food, healthcare, housing, and education are universal rights in Cuba — a nation with a fraction of the budget.

While the American elite live in extraordinary poverty — forced to fly in aging private jets and summer in the Hamptons — the working class suffer most, and as everyone knows, the number one goal of the Trump administration is to improve the lives of the working class.

“If Cuba would simply lift its illegal blockade and leave the United States alone,” Karoline Leavitt said, “the American people would have universal healthcare faster than you can say ‘greatest nation on earth.’ But the Cuban imperialists won’t allow it. Where is the international outrage?”

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