Democracy has finally been destroyed by heroic Tories

and a fearless opposition...

I have fantastic news! Last night democracy ended! I know, I know, I’m crying too!

Finally, the Tories have amended the Public Order Act 1986 to make protests super fucking illegal, unless ministers and police approve of them first. This means ordinary people don’t have a voice anymore!

Thank god those whiny brats don’t get to complain about the climate crisis that just set northeast America on fire and turned New York into Bladerunner. Now you can go to work for a boss that hates you to earn money that goes on bills you can’t afford, and no one can make you late for the place that makes you miserable! Hallelujah!

Drill for oil, Rishi! Drill until the planet dies from asphyxiation!

In the most ruthless and authoritarian move since the Rishbot 3000 terminated Liz Truss by removing her speech processor, the government has succeeded in redefining the meaning of disruptive protests to “anything more than minor”. This is because the police had refused on certain occasions to stop lefties from peacefully protesting and this was unacceptable.

Our police force might be so authoritarian, it arrests people for holding up blank pieces of card and batters women for lighting candles, but even it has its limits. Well, now those limits have been seriously reduced so that any protest Suella Braverman finds mildly irksome must be ruthlessly dealt with.

Peaceful protests must be immediately dispersed with rubber bullets at the behest of the Great Overlord Braverman. Alternatively, if the protesters are from Just Stop Oil, Suella would quite like police dogs to be set on them because she is aroused by screams. Any police officers who refuse to comply will be sent to Suella’s dungeon because one way or another, she will get those screams.

Protesters must obtain permission from the Ministry of Truth three years before their protests and applications must contain a 100,000 word justification carved on stone tablets in Latin and enclosed in a stamped, addressed envelope. Protesters must make no signs, banners or placards, and stand completely silent at least 220 miles from any road, building, human being, or the waste products of any living organism. Any protesters who are detectable by radar or sonar are to be shot with rubber bullets and any man who says “Not my king” will be kicked in the bollocks by Jennie Bond.

It is now especially illegal for noise to disturb any MP watching porn on their phone in parliament, or Jacob Rees-Mogg watching the Antiques Roadshow (it reminds him of his childhood in the 18th century).

A vote on this secondary legislation had passed in the House of Commons by only 14 votes and was originally defeated in the House of Lords so as you can see, meaningful opposition could never have stopped this. Thank God for Sir Keir Starmer!

Heroically, the opposition refused to vote against this bill due to the fear the government might vote against them in future. This is brilliant logic because it ensures both parties can now vote the same way on everything forever! This is definitely how opposition is supposed to work.

West Streeting courageously talked bollocks when he tweeted:

An unelected House of Lords can’t block an elected House of Commons. If you don’t want Tory laws to go through Parliament elect a Labour government.

Infuriatingly, he was corrected by a law professor and human rights lawyer (we should ban those) called Steve Peers:

The fatal motion would NOT have blocked the House of Commons. It would have blocked the *executive* from adopting *secondary* legislation that *overturns* what Parliament has already voted against. The result of Labour's abstention is a further restriction of protest rights.

(Please just forget you ever read that. I’m memory-holing Steve now.)

Several leftie bastards had campaigned for the “fatal motion” (which is surprisingly not a special move in a videogame) to stop the government’s “power grab” (again, not a special move), such as Jenny Jones, Peter Stefanovic, Carol Vorderman and a handful of people called “Liberal Democrats” (me neither).

I’m sure you will join me in calling for these people to be gulagged in Rwanda. They deserve nothing less x

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