DoJ proves Trump is not a paedo by redacting 90% of Epstein files

For months, there has been concern that the Epstein files could mistakenly suggest Trump and his friends are paedophiles. Dozens of rich, old men suddenly became interested in emigrating to Tel Aviv. Trump considered bombing Venezuela, Nigeria, and even 3i Atlas. Prince Andrew requested one of those cells with malfunctioning cameras so he could be suicided away to a tropical island. Thankfully, all their fears have proven ill-founded…

Justice has been served because one of the main suspects in the Epstein ring put his own people in charge of the FBI and DoJ. Imagine being accused of a serious crime and appointing the people who investigate you. That’s easily the best way for justice to be done…

Trump appointed the brightest minds in the US, including Pam Bondi, his former impeachment lawyer, and Kash Patel, whose beautiful 26-year-old girlfriend loves him as much as Erika loved Charlie. Together, they worked tirelessly to prove the Epstein files are an Obama hoax that only implicate Bill Clinton, but for some reason, you lot were unconvinced…

After months insisting there is nothing to see, Patel and Bondi were getting nervous that the public might interpret pictures of Trump with teenage girls differently than they did. What they perceived as a loving uncle-type relationship with the victims of sex trafficking could look weird to untrained eyes. Publishing the pictures would only fuel conspiracy theories so Pam Bondi used her authority to defy the law.

The Epstein Files Transparency Act stated the Epstein files had to be released in full by Friday. If Bondi was having difficulty meeting this target, she was supposed to meet with the oversight committee and explain her reasons for the delay.

Obviously, Bondi was not going to admit she needed to hide all mention of Trump with underage girls. She therefore did the only thing she could: she refused to release 90% of the files and redacted 90% of the ones that she did release. Truly, this was the least suspicious act in human history.

Page after page was just redaction, redaction, Bill Clinton, redaction. I haven’t seen so many black and white stripes since Newcastle United played Juventus in the Champions League! It was like reading the world’s longest barcode…

One grand jury document was 119 pages with every word blacked out, but Bondi explained none of those blacked out pages mentioned how horny Trump was. Those redactions are protecting the real victims: hard-working billionaires. And the girls, of course.

All redactions are the names of the victims that needed to be removed for privacy reasons. What do you mean, no name is that long? I know an Indian woman with 100 letters in her name, you racist!

The files show Epstein was checking the girls’ IDs to ensure they were minors. I would like to clarify that no one who attended those parties knew the girls were underage, apart from Bill Clinton.

It’s normal to attend parties where half-naked girls are touched up by men old enough to be their grandads. No one who was friendly with Trump would have suspected a thing so we should cut them some slack. I can assure you Prince Andrew took pictures with those girls to be polite.

In all 300,000 pages, the only pictures that needed to be made public were those of Bill Clinton. The FBI used AI to erase any shots of Trump’s mushroom, but don’t worry, when Trump wins the war on Venezuela, they are going to carve that mushroom into Mt Rushmore. No wonder Pam Bondi chose this hill to die on.

Ro Khanna and Thomas Massie insist they are going to go through the documents and establish reasons for all redactions. They will consider charges for obstruction of justice if anything turns out to be amiss, but Trump’s team is ready.

Obviously, the DoJ couldn’t hand every file to the oversight committee so instead they ordered 300 shredders as Secret Santa gifts. Staff are working overtime to empty out filing cabinets and Pam Bondi is taking a baseball bat to every computer. In the name of transparency, Trump is going to release every file the US government has… on UFOs x

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