Don't worry, US troops are being told war with Iran will bring back Jesus!

Are you ready for Operation Second Coming? That’s what the Americans are secretly calling this war—according to over 100 whistle-blowers who’ve been anonymously briefing the press out of fear they might be crucified upside-down for challenging unconstitutional orders!

Dozens of complaints to the media from 30 US installations confirm that commanders across every branch of the military—Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, even the Space Force (because Jesus needs satellite coverage for his grand entrance)—are following the same Biblical script.

Commanders are telling troops they are sending into the path of Fatah missiles and Shahed drones “not to worry” because their sacrifice “will not be in vain”. The message is basically don’t fear those cluster munitions, just think of them as a divine fireworks display. If you’re lucky, you might see the Messiah strutting through the battlefield in sparkly pants like Erika Kirk at a memorial service. How’s that for motivation?

According to the Huffington Post, one commander had a “big grin” on his face while explaining Donald Trump “has been anointed by Jesus to light the signal fire in Iran”. I’m not making this shit up! The people in charge of the world’s second largest nuclear arsenal hope the Epstein war will usher in the end times and bring back Jesus. And here was you thinking this was just about the Epstein files. You damn heathens!

Now that you know Jesus was on the side of the Epstein class all along, I bet you want to re-evaluate your life, don’t you? If only you’d read Bible verse Epstein 4:13 “Thou shalt let Trump grab ‘em by the pussy”, you would have been a better person. Instead, you took all that nonsense about “love thy neighbour” literally when everyone knows the nice parts of the Bible are just parables. The only parts that should be taken seriously are the stories about floods and plagues and fire and rivers of blood. Wasn’t that obvious?

Just know that Operation Second Coming is necessary because Iran is controlled by religious extremists who can’t be allowed to get the nuke because they might end the world or something. Plus, Iran’s women need to be liberated by the Epstein class because they are really hot. I mean some of them are soon gonna be several million degrees hot. On the plus side, the survivors will be empowered during the apocalypse when they set up an OnlyFans. Sure, they will have three eyeballs, glowing green skin and missing limbs, but post-apocalyptic beggars can’t be choosers!

Life as we know it is coming to an end faster than you can say “separation of church and state”, but remember, this is the liberation you asked for, or at least, didn’t riot hard enough against. If you don’t like the sound of that, you should have been a better person and Jesus would have raptured you. I mean you’re gonna be missing out. Heaven is basically Little St James in the sky.

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