Establishment admits it couped Corbyn because you're not allowed to choose your leaders

Here is how democracy really works...

There are some things you are not allowed to talk about in politics if you want to keep your job. One of those things is how the establishment closed ranks for five years to bring down Jeremy Corbyn. But, after foolishly miscalculating the ex-Labour leader is no longer a threat, the Observer and Guardian decided it was now safe to tell that story.

Only, when they told the story, they missed one key element: the official spokesperson of the establishment. Me!

Obviously, I’m not one to shun the limelight, and since we’re allowed to talk about what happened now, I would like to take the opportunity to put myself at the centre of attention. It’s only where I belong.

Here is my recollection of what happened between 2015 and 2019, and for once in my life, I'm not even going to lie...

It all started back in September 2015 when to our horror, the Labour membership chose the wrong leader.

When we allowed Labour to have internal party democracy, we had no idea the membership would choose a non-corporate candidate who would put the wellbeing of others before personal gain. Labour members were supposed to choose a soulless clone like Yvette Cooper or Liz Kendall. You can imagine our horror when we discovered Labour members are decent human beings who are sometimes capable of thinking for themselves. It was at this point we realised they deserved democracy about as much as the electorates in Latin America.

The establishment needed options, and when we realised we would not get away with an assassination, we tried to force Corbyn out. The strategy was to get all the corporate Labour MPs (80% of the PLP) to line up outside the leader's office and scream at him until he resigned. Disgracefully, Corbyn did not crumble to the bullying, and in fact, decided he had a “democratic mandate” to carry on with his job.

We therefore declared that some other guy was the rightful leader of the Labour Party. He was basically the Juan Guaido of the UK, but no one can remember his name. I think it was Owen something-or-other….

No one in Labour had heard of Owen something-or-other, not even us, but we decided this no hoper was our best chance at defeating Corbyn. Owen something-or-other launched an audacious leadership challenge in the hope of restoring neoliberalism. However, the Labour membership again showed they couldn’t be trusted with democracy by making the wrong choice.

Corbyn swept to victory with about 60% of the vote (again) so we considered pretending he’d rigged the election. This is the playbook we use in Latin America when we’re arming militants up to the eyeballs. Sadly, we realised we wouldn't get away with this sort of thing in the UK, so instead, we screamed that Corbyn was unelectable.

The idea was that if Corbyn’s own MPs yell about how much they hate him, Labour’s poll lead could be turned into a huge Tory lead, and that’s exactly what happened.

Theresa May (the original Tory robot before the invention of Liz Truss) called a snap election in 2017. Despite our best efforts to achieve a Labour wipe out, Corbyn came within 2,000 votes of becoming prime minister.

At this point, we realised it wasn’t just the Labour membership who didn’t deserve democracy, it was voters under the age of 40. I honestly don’t understand why we aren’t making them do national service to straighten them out.

Anyways, the close shave meant we had to resort to desperate measures. We therefore assembled a team of the UK's finest journalists to join forces with the Tories who had successfully infiltrated Labour and we launched our smear campaign.

We had spent some time flirting with anti-Corbyn smears, but we could never get anything to stick: we told the public Corbyn was a Russian spy, a terrorist lover, someone who sent his kids to private school (which is what we all did), someone who wore the wrong kind of tie, even someone who couldn’t bow properly. Strangely, the public thought we were idiots who needed to do our jobs better, so that’s exactly what we did.

We came up with a plan so fiendish that no one would dare call us out on our smears, because if they did, we could extend our smears to them. This was the ultimate witch hunt. All we had to do was pretend we’d just noticed a lifelong anti-racist was anti-Semitic and so were his supporters. This way all of the sensible people who are involved in politics only to boost their profile would steer clear.

Now I know what you’re all thinking: only the most vindictive pieces of shit would play on the fears of Jews and exploit the heinous form of racism that resulted in the holocaust, but you need to understand we were doing this for the best possible reason: we hated democracy.

The plan was simple: a team of Labour insiders would trawl the internet and find any post that might have come from someone connected with Labour and could be construed as anti-Semitic. The team would feed these posts to the media who would amplify them in a way we would never do for Tory racism. Boris Johnson wrote a book containing every racial slur under the sun, but who cares about that?

Our goldmine was Facebook groups because not only could we quickly search through thousands of posts, but we could make everyone in the group guilty by association. Let’s say a Labour MP had joined a group seven years earlier and not participated since, but there was a dodgy post three years ago. Well, that Labour MP was now part of the anti-Semite group and therefore a witch.

Thankfully, Labour's bureaucracy was composed of Tory infiltrators who went on an expulsion spree. They also sat on certain complaints to make the party look inefficient and they cleverly blamed Corbyn. Sadly, these idiots forgot to delete their emails and were later caught by an investigation, but this has been swept under the rug. DO NOT GOOGLE THE FORDE REPORT!

The golden era of purging lasted until the Labour bureaucracy was voted out and replaced by Corbynistas who revealed that most of the complaints they’d received dated back to the Miliband era and were nothing to do with Corbyn’s leadership. Also, 90% of the complaints were not even against Labour members and had been made to overwhelm the complaints team. Obviously, this proved Labour wasn’t taking the anti-Semitism problem seriously.

The anti-Semitism smear might not have been quite enough to bring Corbyn down, but it was only part one of our fiendish plan. Part two was to split the Labour vote and blame Corbyn. All we needed was a wedge issue like, say Brexit, and a shameless politician who would pretend that remaining in the EU was more important to him than his children: step forward Sir Keir Starmer!

Sir Keir Starmer stood on the conference floor in 2019 and announced that Labour’s new position was to overturn the Brexit vote, even though internal polling showed this would be electoral suicide. A battered and bruised Corbyn was too weakened to overturn Starmer’s announcement as it would have plunged Labour into civil war. Therefore, he had to go with it and hope for a miracle. Happily, that miracle would never come because our plan was democracy-proof.

Unlike in 2017, when Corbyn came within 2,000 votes of being prime minister, Labour was expectedly routed in the 2019 general election. The Labour plotters pretended to be angry at Corbyn for getting the result they wanted (apart from Jess Phillips who couldn’t hide her giddiness).

Corbyn was forced to resign, due to the poor result, and Starmer took the reins to the delight of everyone who wanted to remain in the EU. To their dismay, Starmer quickly U-turned on his remain position and forgot about EU membership. Remainers were played just as badly as the rest of the Labour membership, but remember, Labour members don’t deserve democracy.

When the 2024 election came along, we had a bit of a problem because at this point, Starmer was hugely unpopular. Thankfully, there was another way to split the vote, but this time it was the Tory vote that would be split by Reform.

Starmer became prime minister, despite getting a lower vote share than Corbyn, because we were now good at managing democracy. Starmer won by a record landslide, despite becoming prime minister with the lowest vote share of any leader who has ever won a majority.

All you need to understand is none of you deserve democracy and we know how to manipulate elections to almost guarantee the desired outcome. If ever we don’t get the desired outcome, the soldiers who were using Corbyn’s head as target practice in 2019 have agreed to do a coup.

Now you might be forgiven for thinking that after all this brutal fighting, we had killed off the threat of Corbyn forever. Indeed, that was the only reason we decided it was safe to tell this story. However, just a day after the story was published, we discovered Corbyn had held a meeting with independent MPs to set up a new party called Collective.

Horrifyingly, this party would not have Tory policies and would not even be interested in corporate donations. It could soon have the largest membership in the UK and represent those who are too stupid to deserve democracy: poor people.

This leaves the establishment in a quandary. When independent MPs took seats that establishment politicians were entitled to, we had briefly considered recalling them.

The MPs who screamed at Corbyn to resign were going to pretend the independents won their seats through intimidation. However, we realised that if we held by-elections, the public would make the wrong choices again.

Personally, I think we should do away with the House of Commons and have two unelected chambers because we are now in an untenable position.

A new party could fill the vacuum that was created when Starmer shifted further to the right than Farage. It’s going to be pretty hard to split Collective’s vote when we have four Tory parties. Given the public understands Starmer told lie after lie to win power, his approval rating has fallen through the floor. His party is only just ahead of the Tories, despite the Tories having no leader and facing oblivion. Starmer can barely hold a lead over the worst Tory Party ever. It's a bit embarrassing really.

If drastic action is not taken, there is real fear among the establishment that the electorate who don’t deserve democracy might make the wrong choice at the next election. The glory days of neoliberalism could be coming to an end. They could be replaced with the idea of... hope. I think I’m going to be sick x

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