Fears Rishi Sunak could be sacked for sacking Suella Braverman

This was an ill-advised move...

There were gasps in Downing Street this morning as Prime Minister Rishi Sunak sacked his boss, Suella Braverman, which is about as idiotic as interrupting a honey badger while it’s raiding a bee hive. (If you’ve never seen one of these little bastards fight, you should watch one ripping the nuts off a lion on YouTube. Rishi’s in serious trouble.)

The sacking took place because Suella accused police of “playing favourites” when they allowed those she disagrees with to protest (because they didn’t have the resources to round up several hundred thousand hateful peace marchers). Sadly, neither Rishi nor the police appreciated the outgoing home secretary's words.

Thanks to Suella’s calming intervention, the far-right behaved well at the counter-protest, admirably limiting their cocaine intake and protecting the cenotaph by only having moderate clashes with police. Thankfully, officers did not do much to retaliate because they save their violence for women at candle-lit vigils, people who object to members of the royal family being paedos, and teenagers who walk down the street while being black.

The home secretary’s sacking leaves a gaping hole in the government and it’s unclear who Rishi wants to replace Suella as spokesperson for hatred and division, but I understand Dan Wootton is unemployed at the minute. One thing is clear, major changes are coming...

The drama began at Downing Street during breakfast this morning when Rishi nervously tapped Suella on the shoulder and squeaked:

“Excuse me, miss, I’m told you’ve broken the ministerial code again. Would it, um, be okay if I, um, sacked you this time?”

Suella turned around with an ominous glare and growled before returning to her honeycomb and shrugging off bee stings because she is impervious to pain and her blood is 100% venom.

Rishi whimpered: “I… I don’t know what that means. May I… Ouch, I’ve just been stung!” and he ran away, sobbing.

Jeremy Hunt did his utmost to remove the sting from Rishi’s forehead with a needle as the prime minister’s smirking enemies, such as Andrea Jenkyns, were like: “That sounded like permission to me!” and “You should definitely sack her, Rishi!” and “Yeah, go for it!”

Shortly after, Rishi took a deep gulp and stepped up to the pulpit with a bleeding forehead to make his announcement while pissing down his trouser leg. I don’t know about you, but I think he handled the moment with dignity.

“Well done, Rishi, that was very brave!” Andrea Jenkyns clapped, but poor Rishi fainted and Defence Secretary Michael Green gave him CPR until Thérèse Coffey arrived with a bucket of water.

Rishi needn’t have panicked though because Suella has taken full responsibility and agreed to step down… for the next two weeks. And that’s when the leadership challenge begins…

Given Tory members are nutters who think Liz Truss’s tax reforms didn’t go far enough, Enoch Powell was too soft on immigration, and we should put Owen Jones on the next plane to Rwanda, Rishi is toast. It’s fair to say Suella’s dismissal has caused fury among the fascist wing of our most fascistic political party.

Suella is so popular among nutters that if she takes over, the Tories are expected to climb three or four points in the polls, which leaves with them within 42 points of election victory.

But first, the de facto leader of the English Defence League, whose hobbies include breaking the ministerial code and locking children in cupboards lined with broken glass, says she is going to enjoy her holiday.

Last time Suella took a break, it was because she breached the Official Secrets Act by sharing official documents with half of her address book. She was understandably not jailed because she took “full responsibility” by blaming everyone else in her resignation letter. This is why she took a full two weeks to return to her role as home secretary.

On that occasion, Suella showed restraint by not taking the job of prime minister, but this time the gloves are off, and let’s be honest, Rishi couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise x