Government announces exciting plan to put spyware in every device that can't be removed

All of us agree that the one thing the government could do to solve the cost of living crisis and make life bearable for everyone is to put surveillance software in our devices and spy on everything we do. That way they can “keep children safe” and ensure none of us ever step out of line again. The Online Safety Act was the first step in achieving this goal…

Worryingly, a petition to repeal the Online Safety Act has gained 550,000 signatures, but the government hasn’t bothered to debate it in parliament. Instead, it has decided the Act that forces you to scan your face every time you want to express an opinion does not go far enough. It is looking to “enhance” the Act to “keep children safe”. I mean, even safer…

The government’s plan is to make its spyware mandatory in all new laptops, phones, and tablets so it can scan your photos for nudes. By default, everyone will be presumed to be a paedo because if a prince like Andrew can become a paedo, anyone can…

You probably think I’m joking about the photo-scanning thing, but it’s really what they’re planning to do! Soon, you will have to upload your ID to prove that you are allowed to see your own photos. This will enable the government to build a database of kompromat on you, in case you step out of line. If the AI, which is famously never wrong, spots something inappropriate on your device, it will notify the authorities and arrange your arrest. Isn’t this brilliant?!

Any company refusing to install the spyware and offering end-to-end encryption is going to be considered a “hostile actor” because the problem with end-to-end encryption is that it guarantees your right to privacy.

Every decent person must accept that privacy is dead and any snooper can take a look at their most intimate secrets. You have nothing to worry about if you have nothing to hide, but if you do have something to hide, such as the wrong opinions, you can and will be punished…

You know how we’ve been jailing people for tweets that got like 12 impressions, and even for private Telegram messages? Well, the next step is to jail people for their personal text messages. If, for example, you tell your loved one that Keir Starmer is a cunt, you are going to the gulag. If you are stupid enough to text the word “intifada”, your phone is going to explode like a Lebanese doctor’s pager!

If you were hoping to dodge the mass surveillance with a VPN, just know that you will need to upload your ID to use a VPN. Don’t worry, most VPN providers are owned by Israel so your data will be perfectly safe.

Obviously, nothing could go wrong with these plans, but whistle blowers working on the government’s One Login system have warned ITV of “extreme security risks”. Fucking party poopers.

The whistle blowers have explained how the system is failing to meet minimum cybersecurity standards. Administrators have been using unsecure devices, staff in Romania have accessed the heart of the system without security clearance, and “red team” exercises have shown the system can be hacked without raising security alarms. All of this suggests the system may have already been compromised, meaning your data will be publicly available from day one. We can call it National End of Privacy Day!

The One Login whistle blowers have only proven that we need mass surveillance like yesterday. Once we have all the pieces in place, we will be able to identify whistle blowers and erase them like an American nuclear scientist on the brink of limitless clean energy. We can’t let people with a conscience get in the way of our dastardly plans for world domination, can we? x

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