Government announces exciting plans for Ministry of Love

This will ensure everyone is loyal to the Party forever

The Tory government has announced exciting plans to broaden the definition of “extremism” to mean anything the government doesn’t like. It is hoped this new broader definition will prevent the rise of “mob rule” by silencing anyone who disagrees with the government.

The Tories plan to set up a government unit to tackle extremism and assess whether individuals or groups have breached their new definition. Now I’ve seen the Twitter activity of you lot and I think you could be in serious trouble. The UK already arrests eight times more people than Russia for social media posts, despite having half the population, and this figure could be about to go a whole lot higher.

The new government unit, which has been named “The Ministry of Love”, will enforce loyalty to the Tories through fear, repression, and systemic brainwashing. If only Orwell were alive today to see what the government is doing with his instruction manual. They might be implementing this stuff forty years too late, but I think he would be proud regardless.

Among the groups the government wants to label extreme is the Muslim Council of Britain because nothing says “anti-extremism” like marginalising an entire section of society for having the wrong religion.

Another group in the government’s sights is Palestine Action because one of the most extreme things any group can do is say “Please don’t illegally supply weapons to a genocide”. Fucking lunatics.

But the main targets of the government are Extinction Rebellion and Just Stop Oil, due to serious concerns that if these groups were left unchecked, they could prevent the extinction of the human race.

The people who are disgusted when “cancel culture” stops the far-right from speaking at universities wants universities to ban anyone whose views undermine “British values” because it only counts as cancel culture when the other side does it.

In this instance, “British values” mean government policies that a majority of the public disagree with because it’s not the job of British people to define what British values are. It’s the job of the people who fucking hate them.

Seventy percent of the public want an immediate ceasefire in Gaza, but if you demand a ceasefire, you are an extremist because genocide is a core British value. If you don’t understand this, please read a history book.

The government is determined to ensure extremist groups are cut off from funding because going forwards, only people with the correct political views will be allowed to access money. Anyone who doesn’t like access to money being conditional on government loyalty is anti-democracy.

One of the government’s most exciting proposals is the idea of “zero tolerance” towards groups that fail to stop “hate” on marches. This means if you have a protest and someone shouts “Prince Andrew is a sweaty nonce!” you are no longer allowed to protest, even though you didn’t shout “Prince Andrew is a sweaty nonce!” You will be responsible for the actions of every person at the protest and every one of you will be expected to stay silent and invisible or else.

If you are concerned these plans don’t go far enough, you will be delighted to hear the government wants to ban MPs from meeting with pro-Palestinian groups and climate activists. In other words, if you think Palestinians are humans or you are fond of trees, your local member of parliament will not acknowledge you exist. You will finally understand what it feels like to be one of Boris Johnson’s 57 kids!

Wansbeck MP Ian Lavery has already vowed to defy the new rules, meaning he could become the first politician in history to be jailed for having a nice cup of tea with an unemployed tree hugger. It’s only what the extremist deserves.

The only way to not be an extremist in Tory Britain is to be a conservative who mercilessly shits on the poor, avoids paying taxes and cheers on genocides. If this description does not fit you, then I’m afraid you deserve to go to prison with Ian Lavery, you scum!

Extremism used to imply violence, but now it means any behaviour the government finds inconvenient or embarrassing. Among the behaviours that will be considered extremism are: driving an electric car, wearing a t-shirt with a tree on it, following Chris Packham on Twitter, suggesting Palestinians might have thoughts and feelings, asking if we could possibly try to negotiate peace, suggesting British children get free school meals, refusing to call refugees “illegal migrants”, making fun of Rishi Sunak for being short, not making fun of Sir Keir Starmer for being short, asking Michael Gove to take a drugs test, asking Liz Truss to take a Turing test, demanding Akshata Murthy pays her taxes, and finally, being George Galloway x

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