Government explains euthanasia is brilliant for reducing benefits bill

We need to close the economic blackhole somehow...

Euthanasia legislation currently making its way through parliament has prompted concerns about the proposed safeguards. While some would rather die with dignity than spend a second longer in piss-soaked Britain, others are worried that government policy could be driven by compassion, rather than sneering contempt for the poor.

One concern is the bill would only allow people to be euthanised when they have less than six months to live. This is because terminally ill people with more than six months are expected to work, but what about those who fail to find work? I mean what could be less dignified than waiting for death while unemployed?

Clearly, there are loopholes that need to be addressed. Therefore, Kim Leadbetter appeared on pro-establishment podcast The News Agents to discuss the possibility of dying to avoid being a burden. The Minister for Death explained, “there is an argument that having personal choice and autonomy is part of the whole process”. She then rambled about how she wouldn’t want to be a burden on people.

Obviously, feeling like a burden is a valid reason to want death and such a feeling could never be driven by societal pressure. I don’t know about you, but if I was unemployed, I would not want to be a burden on sociopathic tax avoiders like myself.

The proposed cost-saving measures would represent the biggest step forward for social progress since fit-for-work assessments. Austerity policies introduced by David Cameron, and continued by every government since, have resulted in hundreds of thousands of excess deaths.

Surprisingly, the 14-year cull of the workshy has not fixed the economic damage caused by bankers, leaving one logical course of action: No, we’re not abandoning austerity, silly, we’re killing more people!

Chancellor Rachel Reeves is one of the MPs to vote in favour of the euthanasia bill. She hopes it will help close the £16 billion blackhole in the budget that she made up as an excuse to freeze pensioners. However, the bill’s safeguards could limit any economic gains.

While do-gooders like Jeremy Corbyn feel those safeguards don’t go far enough, sensible MPs are hopeful they can be further weakened. It might be a good idea to pass the bill in its current form and erode the safeguards during the next economic crisis. One option would be to introduce the death penalty for those who refuse assisted dying.

Economic crises provide brilliant opportunities to scrap your human rights, and culling people is an effective way of reducing the tax burden. I would call this a win-win.

A key benefit of the proposed legislation is an estimated 9% reduction to the benefits bill. Our current system forces the elderly to sell their homes to pay for social care, but if we euthanise them early, we can pocket that money without paying for social care. Isn’t that clever?

Excitingly, it’s not just the elderly who could save us money. Allowing the unemployed to die with dignity would be cheaper than paying disability allowance and offering palliative care. Why are we wasting money on people who are going to die soon anyway? It’s so fucking insensitive.

At present, if we want to kill poor people, we have to pretend they’re fit for work and starve them until they die from their illness. Sadly, this strategy attracts complaints from “human rights” campaigners. However, the brilliant thing about euthanasia is that we can pretend we’re extending human rights.

I would like to assure all those who are concerned about the proposals that nothing has ever gone wrong in the countries where euthanasia is allowed. In those countries, people have only been euthanised for good reasons, such as feeling depressed and being homeless.

It’s hoped the UK can follow in the footsteps of Canada where one disabled woman was euthanised due to bed sores because her hospital couldn’t be arsed to find the correct bed for her. If the government gets its way, you won’t have an NHS much longer anyway, in which case, putting you down like a poorly cat would be the kindest option available. Isn't that lovely? x

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