Here is why nuclear war would be a brilliant idea

As a supporter of every imperialist war, I have never been wrong

Thanks to the steadfast work of President Blinken and Prime Minister Mileikowsky, we are closer to nuclear armageddon than ever before. The Doomsday Clock is just two seconds from midnight and I suspect its running slow. This means it’s more likely than not, you won’t be going to work on Monday! This has to be cause for celebration, right? If you’re still not sold on the idea of the apocalypse, just remember Mileikowsky will avoid prison, and personally, I can’t think of a better reason to destroy humanity.

Excitingly, the US is expected to green light the potential extinction of the human race by the end of the week. President Blinken has warned whatever remains of Iran against any unprovoked retaliation. He assured us that nuclear armageddon would be a “limited operation” to rid the world of everyone the US doesn’t like, which is just about everyone.

The empire that spent a year committing genocide, explained its enemies are too barbaric to listen to reason, leaving it with no choice but to do a much bigger genocide. If you’re concerned the decision-making process might be flawed, just remember, Israelis think radioactive clouds won’t blow their way because they’re the chosen ones, and Christian fundamentalists think their nukes have the power to bring Jesus back. If you question their judgement, I honestly don’t know what to say to you.

Vice President Harris has warned that if Trump wins in November, his version of the post-apocalypse would be less woke than hers. Her supporters challenge you to explain how voting for Jill Stein would reverse the nuclear apocalypse. Let’s just pray Stein and her supporters don’t make it to a bunker in time. They would make nuclear winter unbearable.

US spokesperson Count Smirkula was recently questioned about why the US is determined to engage in nuclear brinksmanship and has not done anything to rein in Mileikowsky. Smirkula insisted: “We have worked tirelessly to bring about a ceasefire to the war in Gaza.” He was challenged on why the US has sent $23 billion of weapons to Israel over the past year, so he smirked and said: “That’s not the correct figure”.

As you can see, the US has done everything in its power to stop this war, but Iran, something, something, um… Look, destroying earth is much better than not giving weapons to Israel, okay? If you’re refilling your car, the logical thing to do is let your toddler stand next to you, playing with matches. It’s ridiculous to take the matches away from your toddler. That would be irresponsible parenting. Your toddler has every right to vaporise you in a massive explosion!

Predictably, the anti-war brigade are feeling uneasy about letting a toddler play with matches in a cloud of petroleum vapours. So let me tell you why I, a supporter of every imperialist war who is never wrong, think nuclear war would be a brilliant idea.

First of all, humanity might not go extinct after all. Thanks to the introduction of tactical nukes (the moderate approach to armageddon) we might not all die. While regular nukes cook you at 12 million degrees celsius, tactical nukes only cook you at 8 million degrees celsius. If you are wearing factor 50 sun cream, you have a 50% chance of survival (that’s what factor 50 means).

You will be reassured to hear tactical nukes happen to be 50% less radioactive than conventional nukes. This means it will take 50% longer for you to die an agonising death from radiation poisoning. Instead of six months, you will be looking at nine months of your immune system failing as you to cough up pieces of lung and your eyeballs bleed and your hair falls out. With any luck, you will live long enough to see what cool mutants evolve in the post-apocalyptic wilderness, and this will be great fun. Until they eat you.

The fact you won’t die from the initial nuclear blasts (as long as you’re prepared), means you will be subjected to spectacular views. Just sit on a hill in the countryside and watch awful places like Coventry and Slough be taken by flashes of heavenly light. It will be therapeutic to see the working class vanish in a dazzling instant. With any luck, the immigrant communities will go with them. Nigel Farage will be wanking so fucking hard.

Nuclear war gives us all the plus-points of global warming without any of the drawbacks. There will be a brief warming period when, if you’re just the right distance from the nuclear blasts, you will get a tan. However, just as the ice caps start to melt, dust will block out the sun for a decade, giving everyone a chance to cool off. Best hope you have ten years worth of food though, otherwise you will die in a famine. Serves you right for not planning ahead!

A perfect solution to the climate crisis would be nuclear war once or twice a century. This way we could burn all the fossil fuels we want and nothing could possibly go wrong.

Now I know what you’re all thinking, I said not everyone will die, but then I explained you will succumb to radiation sickness. Well, I’d like to assure you that people like myself will not succumb to radiation sickness. I bet you’re feeling more positive now, aren’t you?

I’ve been sucking up to Elon Musk for the past few months and he’s gonna let me stay in his bunker in the Arizona desert where no self-respecting madman would waste a nuke. I’m told Musk’s bunker is even more luxurious than the one Mileikowsky hides in when Hamas launches fire crackers that are intercepted by the iron dome.

What this means is that all the people who matter are likely to survive. We will emerge from our bunkers to a new world cleansed of everyone with the wrong religion and skin colour, as well as the working class.

Now if the pandemic taught me one thing, it’s that we definitely don’t need the working class to run a country. That’s why they kept working throughout lockdown, as the important people - managers and CEOs - stayed home and made money for nothing. We will be just fine without the people who do literally everything for us.

One big positive about nuclear armageddon is it will mean an end to war, once and for all, because there will be no one left to kill, until we realise we’re bitter and twisted sociopaths who are programmed this way and inevitably turn against each other. Then we’re fucked x

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