How to Get Rich Quick by Lady Michelle Mone
Former underwear model Michelle Mone is truly one of the success stories of our time, having got rich and become a baroness, despite having no talent and contributing nothing to society. Like all the finest rich people, Baroness Mone made it to the top through lies, deception and a determination to exploit the system.
I caught up with Baroness Mone to find out exactly how she did it. Here is what she had to say:
“It was surprisingly easy really. I was looking at the government’s website during Covid and saw that anyone could apply for a tender. I had no idea what no idea what tender even meant, but they were offering loads of money so I thought why not?
“My husband Douglas is mates with a few Tories, and back in 2015, he got me made a baroness, even though I had contributed no more to society than that secretary who was put in the House of Lords for giving Boris Johnson a blow job!
“Using my influence as a “Lady”, I phoned Douglas’ mates on 7 and 8 May 2020 and told them I could make the PPE. I flirted a bit and they said I could skip the tender process and go into the VIP lane. I hadn’t even registered a company and here I was on the brink of a £203 million government contract! Eek!
“I gave them the name PPE Medpro on the spot, even though no such company existed. Excitingly, I had never run, or even worked for a similar company! I was just a former underwear model, and yet the nation’s health and safety was about to be put in my hands. It was like a lollipop lady volunteering to perform brain surgery and someone handing her a scalpel. What could go possibly go wrong?
“Any rational person would think I had no chance of winning the contract, but the brilliance of the VIP lane is that success was all but guaranteed. That’s a level of pressure you wouldn’t believe, but I’m an entrepreneur with powerful contacts so I wasn’t gonna let pressure deter me!
“Through sheer grit and determination, I registered my fake company on 12 May 2020, and when it was just six weeks old, my baby became the government’s PPE supplier. I just had to figure out how to produce the thing I said I could supply and I handled that as well as Matt Hancock handled Covid in care homes.
“First I needed materials so I went to my local Asda and bought every carrier bag they had. This cost a fortune because carrier bags are really expensive these days. Thankfully, I had enough left over to buy myself a few nice things...
“So anyway, I was posting selfies from my yacht—The Lady M—and bragging about my hard work as my underlings made the PPE. I was just glad to be helping my country during Covid, but sadly, the PPE turned out to be ‘unusable’ because ‘Asda carrier bags are not suitable for medical grade equipment’. Who knew?
“My minor mishap left our hardworking medical staff without protection as they risked their lives to save lives, but what’s important here is that I tried. I sipped loads of cocktails during that time and worked really hard on my tan. Let’s be honest, I look good for a woman in my fifties, don’t I?
“Unfortunately, the woke mob got wind of my mishap and wouldn’t let it lie. Being a woman of integrity, I denied any link to PPE Medpro and threatened to sue everyone. This failed to shut them up because you can’t sue people for telling the truth, and I had secretly channelled £65 million through offshore trusts, something I was forced to admit to the BBC. Oops...
“Eventually I was asked to pay the money back which was unfair because the government awarded billions in fraudulent Covid contracts and wrote all the others off. I was being unfairly picked on because people are jealous of my looks.
“Thankfully, I was prepared for this moment so I simply wound up PPE Medpro. This meant I did not have to pay a penny back, unless it could be proven that I had committed fraud.
“Unfortunately, Douglas and I are now being investigated by the National Crime Agency because the company had made substantial profits, but the money vanished, leaving just a few hundred thousand pounds in assets. Fuck...”
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Congratulations on securing this exclusive interview Laura.
Excellent stuff, Laura. My heart breaks for the courageous and creative entrepreneurs like Michelle Mone who only want to make Britain great again but are being victimised by so-called “laws” and jealous little people who resent them creating the wealth and jobs the rest of us depend on. Without such entrepreneurs the rest of us who’ve never invented a fake company and blagged millions in public money from our posh mates would be grovelling around in the dirt, wearing nothing but loincloths and eating our own faeces.