Huge relief as America's no. 1 rapist, paedophile, and war criminal survives another shooting
Americans sighed in relief after their most popular rapist, paedophile, and war criminal survived a shooting at the White House Correspondent’s dinner, last night. The assassin shot and injured a police officer, but thankfully no rich people were harmed in this production, and I’m told that Trump’s ears were unscathed. Thank god.
It was initially feared that the president had been killed, but then everyone realised he was just napping again. When informed that her husband was still alive, the first lady broke down in tears. I’m assuming these were tears of joy, but I’m unclear why Melania kept saying: “fuck, fuck, fuck”. I’m putting it down to shock.
The dinner was unfortunately cancelled and Trump took to Truth Social to get a few likes before holding a press conference where he called the shooter a “thug” and a “lone wolf”. He has been charged with firearms and assault offences, but Kash Patel has yet to find any bullet engravings, presumably because he is drunk and about to get fired.
It’s unclear if this shooting was a false flag like the last one, but either way, Trump should definitely use it as an excuse for more authoritarianism. If I were him, I’d cancel the mid-terms and introduce martial law to protect myself from any further false flags. It’s the only way to stop the radical left.
Here is the difference between us and them: we value human life and they don’t.
It is utterly despicable to target leaders, unless we’re talking about Nicolas Maduro, or Ayatollah Khamenei, or maybe the Cuban president whose name I can’t remember. Obviously, it’s fine to target the leaders of countries we don’t like. What do you mean, you don’t like the US?
The US is a democracy that always respects international law when it’s not bombing other countries back to the stone age. This is why you are obliged to cry for its rapists, paedophiles, and war criminals. Anything less would make you a terrorist!
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Meanwhile, Kotex shares have plummeted on the back of the news that the president's ears don't require their products this time around.
Damn it, I've said it before, BULLETS ARE USELESS AGAINST THE ORANGE ONE!
You need holy water and a crucifix!!
Do it properly.