Hugely exciting World War III updates

Get your popcorn out, the end of the world is gonna be fun!

If you were worried that Israel would not succeed in starting World War III, you can stop worrying because boy do I have some exciting news! Over the past 24 hours, Israel has managed to extend this war beyond everyone’s wildest dreams.

It all seemed to be going in the wrong direction when Macron stopped arms sales to Israel after only a year of genocide. The French president even had the gall to ask other countries to do the same. Who the hell does this guy think he is? Jeremy fucking Corbyn?

Israel considers the arms suspension a huge insult because it wants the genocide to go on much longer than a year. It has therefore sent a massive shipment of exploding vibrators to France. Zionists have such a brilliant sense of humour.

France is not the only country in Israel’s sights. Ireland disgracefully refused to remove its peacekeepers from Lebanon because they’re protecting civilians in the villages Israel wants to ethnically cleanse. Israel has understandably declared war on Ireland.

Irish-American president Joe Biden is yet to be told he will be bombing his ancestral homeland, but who would care about something like that? Ancestral homelands are so overrated.

Now if you’re one of the 12 British people still supporting Israel, you’re probably feeling smug right now. The French are gonna get it, the Irish are gonna get it, but I’m afraid to tell you, we might be next. Let’s be honest, it’s only what we deserve after Starmer halted 8% of the arms licences to Israel to pander to the woke mob.

It has not escaped Netanyahu’s attention that hundreds of thousands of Hamas members marched through London and Dublin today. This was particularly upsetting for Zionists because they’re struggling to get anyone to support their cause, apart from the politicians who receive their generous donations.

Understandably, Netanyahu is disgusted the British army didn’t round up these protesters and strip them naked in public before disappearing them. Starmer desperately tried explaining our human rights laws are getting in the way.

To heal the diplomatic rift with Israel, Starmer has condemned the Lebanese fighters who were supposed to surrender and be taken to Sde Teiman for rape. Lebanon does not have the right to defend itself from a ground invasion because that counts as terrorism. Anything that embarrasses Israel counts as terrorism, including getting lots of likes on Twitter. You have been warned.

As you can see, Israel must be surrounded by terrorists because it’s constantly getting embarrassed. This means it has no choice but to start wars. Only problem with starting wars is that Israeli soldiers are only capable of sniping children and bragging about their war crimes on TikTok. Israel can’t do armed combat, and no one seems to have explained its neighbours have more drones and missiles than it does. This could get embarrassing… even more so.

Israel is complaining it’s under attack on seven fronts, just because it decided to bomb seven countries at the same time. How was Israel supposed to know those countries would have the audacity to retaliate? Iraq just drone-bombed an Israeli base in the Golan heights so I assume Israel is at war with Iraq now. No country would tolerate someone bombing a military base on land it illegally occupies.

Biden and Starmer are so worried about the war spreading, they’ve decided to join in the fun, and are bombing Yemen on Israel’s behalf. This is due to Yemen’s despicable attempts to stop a genocide, something we’re legally obliged to do. Fuck, pretend I never said that.

Israel is currently wiping towns in Lebanon off the map because that’s much easier than facing soldiers man to man. The last thing Israel wants is a fair fight.

Israel is still bombing the shit out of Gaza, even though Iran is the only country that’s inflicted serious damage on it recently. An IDF spokesperson confirmed they’re not attacking Iran because it’s inflicted serious damage on Israel recently.

Netanyahu is weighing up whether Biden will let him get away with nuking Tehran because that’s his only viable option. If the answer is yes (as if it would be no), Netanyahu is keen to also nuke Paris and Dublin, and maybe London if the marches don’t stop. Starmer says he fully supports any decision Netanyahu makes, as long it’s only a tactical nuke and he’s given notice to evacuate his wardrobe.

Starmer is hopeful that if the marchers can be wiped out, this might help in the polls, but his Tory base don’t want any tactical nukes in their back yard. I’m sure Netanyahu can be persuaded to leave the green belt out of this conflict. If we want to be spared, we might have to clean up our act though.

Zionists are mad the BBC showed footage of Ayatollah Khemeni because the only religious nutjobs we’re allowed to hear from are the ones in Israel. Showing us both sides means the BBC is biased against our preferred religious nutjobs. It’s no exaggeration to say the gulf between Israel and the BBC is bigger than the gulf between Israel and Hamas.

In a surprising turn of events, Netanyahu has found himself in agreement with Hamas leader Yahwa Sinwar. Netanyahu has previously funnelled $1 billion of Qatari money to Hamas to derail a two-state solution. It’s fair to say both leaders are opposed to peace, but thankfully, our government has sided with the good guy, the one who bombs ambulances and hospitals.

Sinwar is such a lunatic, he says he has no incentive to negotiate with Israel because they’re going to kill him anyway. It looks like constantly murdering political leaders is an effective negotiation strategy, after all.

Interestingly, both Netanyahu and Sinwar are in agreement that regional war would be fantastic, just for different reasons. Netanyahu thinks he’s getting his Greater Israel, blissfully unaware that escalation dominance lies with Iran. Sinwar can’t wait for Iran to take the heat off Gaza and fuck Israel up with its hypersonic weapons. For both leaders, World War III can’t come soon enough.

One question: if Netanyahu and Sinwar both want the same thing, does that mean Netanyahu is now Hamas? If I’ve got you panicking, you will be relieved that Israel is still making all the necessary war plans. It has drawn up a list of all schools and hospitals in the region and is checking that it has enough rockets to bomb them all.

Biden is so worried about escalation, he warned Netanyahu he will have no choice but to send him another $57 trillion arms shipment. Netanyahu says that will not be enough and is trying to rig the election in favour of Trump. Democrats are supporting Netanyahu anyway.

While Netanyahu is trying to do regime change in the US, Biden is trying to do regime change in Lebanon because he disagrees with the choice of the Lebanese people. I’m confused, I thought he was mad at Venezuela for not being democratic. Is he saying he’s mad at Lebanon for being democratic? Just like he was mad at Pakistan for being democratic? And Egypt? Presumably, we’re admitting democracy is bad now.

All that matters is Israel has every right to commit genocide. After October 7th, Netanyahu reminded everyone Palestinians are just like the Amalekites, meaning God must want genocide. If you don’t support the genocide, you are basically insulting the Bible. This is a hate crime.

Germany certainly agrees because it’s still racked with guilt over what the Nazis did during the holocaust. Thankfully, Netanyahu offered to absolve Germany of guilt if it allows Palestine to be punished on Germany’s behalf. Let’s be honest, we would all outsource our guilt if we’d committed one of the most horrific crimes in history, wouldn’t we?

Punishing someone else for your crimes is definitely the ethical thing to do. All that matters is Germany is on the side that starts a world war again. Why break the habit of a lifetime? x

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