I don't wish to upset you, but Epstein could bring down the British prime minister

It’s been a strange couple of days for me. I’ve been coming to terms with the fact the guy they called “Prince of Darkness” turned out to be a wrong ‘un.

When Sir Keir Starmer made Peter Mandelson the UK’s ambassador to the US, I, like my corporate media colleagues, was willing to give the Prince of Darkness a second, third, fourth… I think it’s seventh chance. I was willing to overlook all of Mandelson’s lying, corruption, and ties to paedophilia, because that stuff is normal in Westminster. I felt confident that giving a man like Mandelson our top diplomatic role would work out well.

Us corporate media types always found Mandelson to be charming and brilliant. We had no way of knowing we were wrong because we never interact with humans. My friend Lewis Goodall once implied Len McCluskey is antisemitic for demanding Mandelson be kicked out of Labour—because Mandelson’s grandfather happened to be Jewish. As you can see, the people who rise to the top in corporate media are definitely not cynical weirdos.

We had difficulty recognising the flaws in Peter Mandelson, despite being fully aware of everything he did. Sadly, the Epstein stuff we had hoped to suppress is coming out—and let me tell you, the goyim are pissed! They know Epstein was always calling them “goyim” and used his leverage over powerful figures to subjugate them. Life was so much easier when the goyim knew their place, wasn’t it?

Now the truth is coming out, it’s vital we individualise the wrongdoing, brush over the corruption, and disregard the institutional implications. Under no circumstances must we mention the links to Israel. That would be antisemitic.

It turns out Mandelson was a key member of Epstein’s inner-circle that definitely wasn’t a Mossad paedophile ring, but might have been a KGB paedophile ring with no clients. Clearly, those children were for their own personal use, you fucking conspiracy theorist!

What matters is that Sir Keir Starmer, the most beloved prime minister since Rishi Sunak, could be brought down by this scandal, despite all the good things he has done for the country.

Personally, I think it’s unfair to judge Starmer on the Epstein thing when we could judge him on his other contributions, such as giving our NHS data to Peter Thiel, the guy who is creating a global panopticon.

Did you know Palantir was named after the seeing stone in Lord of the Rings that allowed Sauron to view distant events and corrupt others to further his domination efforts? It just so happens that Palantir makes the tech that surveils and kills Palestinians, and now Palantir is surveilling us!

Don’t worry though, it’s not like Peter Thiel was a close buddy of Jeffrey, um, hold on, someone just slid the Epstein files my way... Okay, damage limitation time. Let’s focus on Mandelson because the more I ramble, the worse it gets…

Sir Keir Starmer was guilty of a rare lapse of judgement when he ignored intelligence that Peter Mandelson was one of Jeffrey Epstein’s besties.

Mandelson might have been named in the little black book and flew on the Lolita Express, but those are insignificant details.

Starmer told parliament that Peter said he did nothing wrong and that was good enough for him. Ordinarily, asking someone if they are involved in a paedophile ring brings an honest answer so I can see why Starmer was confused.

The key criticism is that Starmer saw pictures of Mandelson holidaying at Little St James, years after his conviction for sex crimes against a minor, and he said “that’s our guy!” I would like to tell you that accusation is unfair.

Starmer never said Mandelson was “our guy” because Starmer does not make the decisions! He is told who to appoint by his donors. Starmer’s donors wanted Mandelson to get the job precisely because he was compromised. That’s how politics works, you naive simpletons!

People are mad that Mandelson was calling Epstein his “best pal”, saying he had always stood by him, but the biggest betrayal is that Mandelson was pictured in compromising positions with women. He was supposed to belong exclusively to the gay club and it turns out he would shag anything with a pulse.

The LGBT community has now ex-communicated Mandelson, explaining they “never fucking wanted him in the first place, unlike Starmer”.

Now the police are getting involved, but not about the paedophile stuff, about Mandelson leaking sensitive government information.

It turns out Starmer hired someone who previously leaked to Epstein, and could have done similar with others as US ambassador. This means the prime minister who is calling Zack Polanski a national security threat has been… a national security threat!

In fairness, Starmer doesn’t have much experience in dealing with serious criminals. It’s not like he was once Director of Public Prosecutions. I think we should put this down to naivity because it’s fine to have a prime minister be this naive.

Starmer is sensibly passing himself off as a victim who believed Mandelson’s lies. It’s worth remembering that prior to this lapse of judgement, Starmer made great calls, such as sending weapons to Israel during a genocide. We should not let his good work be undone.

Starmer is now doing what he always does in a crisis—running to his focus groups. Sadly, those focus groups are telling him paedophilia doesn’t poll well. Almost everyone thinks he’s a “cunt” and even privileged centrists think his time has come, but he does have a few supporters left on Threads.

Starmer has called an emergency meeting for tonight with Peter Mandelson, Trevor Chinn, and Morgan McSweeney. Presumably, this meeting involves Ba’al worship and some form of ritual sacrifice because I can’t see any other way he worms out of this one…

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