Israel confident its next AI video will prove Netanyahu is alive and doesn't have six fingers

Israel’s Ministry of Hasbara has apologised for disastrous “proof of life” videos featuring Israel’s late prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu. A spokesperson blamed the “pressures of war” for the failure to spot the errors in its recent slopaganda.

“We regret any confusion caused by our efforts to prove the prime minister was not turned into tomato puree by a cheap Iranian drone,” the spokesperson said, impressively keeping a straight face. “Our team is finalising the next video which should be much more convincing. We just need a few hours to resolve the octopus tentacle that has sprouted from Netanyahu’s nostril and we should be good to go.”

The saga began last week when Netanyahu went uncharacteristically silent and missed important government meetings. To make matters worse, Bibi’s son, tweeting machine Yair Netanyahu, also went silent—and he normally posts 150 times a day about everything from leftist conspiracies to his breakfast choices.

For Yair to stop tweeting this long is about as unusual as Randy Fine skipping a meal—this led to social media users concluding that Bibi is brown bread and his son is in mourning.

Panic began to spread across all 50 states as the public realised that Netanyahu was the first US president to be assassinated since JFK. Congress was in disarray, asking what is going to happen to their AIPAC cheques? And who is going to tell Trump how to conduct the war? Claude AI? Okay, no change there then…

Desperate to stop global celebrations while the Greater Israel Project is dying, the Ministry of Hasbara released a short AI video of Netanyahu. Only some idiot failed to notice the weird mouth movements, the disappearing teeth, and the extra finger on one hand. This prompted Iranians to post AI-generated images of Netanyahu submerged in debris with his six-fingered hand tragically poking from the rubble.

The Ministry of Hasbara swiftly fired its tech guy for failing to prompt the AI to remove the extra finger from the video. It replaced him with an AI specialist who is actually able to count fingers and even keep track of teeth. The new guy knocked together an improved proof of life video to silence the conspiracy theorists once and for all, only this genius fucked up too.

The new video showed Netanyahu smirking at a coffee shop in Jerusalem, showing off his five-fingered hands, and even joking about his own death. However, frame-by-frame analysis revealed the fluid dynamics in his coffee cup defied the laws of gravity, the fabric on the coat pocket appeared to be moving through a spacial anomaly, and the people in the background were wearing Covid masks like they had gone back in time.

To make matters worse, Netanyahu had lost about 50 pounds, his facial features had changed shape like he was looking into a funhouse mirror, he was bathed in a weird yellow glow, and although his hands had the correct number of fingers (yay!), they looked like they were made out of play dough. But that wasn’t the worst of it because in one scene, the wedding ring vanished from his finger!

By now it was getting embarrassing, but thankfully, social media users leapt to Israel’s defence, sharing their own AI videos in solidarity. Just yesterday I saw a video proving that Yahya Sinwar is still alive and has, in fact, visited the same coffee shop (if Yahya can come back from the dead then obviously Bibi can).

Another social media user offered video evidence that Kim Jong Un had popped in for an espresso, only to be joined by Ayatollah Khamenei. It turns out the tiny coffee shop in Jerusalem attracts all the big names because even Tom Cruise got in on the act, visiting in a Netanyahu mask and tearing it off like a scene from Mission Impossible!

Perhaps the most helpful contribution came from a social media user who posted a video of Netanyahu jumping onto the counter and backflipping off it. Obviously, a 76-year-old corpse could never backflip so this proves Netanyahu must be alive.

Sadly, even Bibi’s acrobatics weren’t enough to convince cynical social media users so Netanyahu is going to do the next best thing to live interviews: appear in a high-production video at a Tel Aviv restaurant with his good friend Charlie Kirk.

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