Israel secures victory over the biggest terrorists in Gaza: aid workers

Thank god someone is going after the real bad guys

Israel has finally cancelled its agreement with the only organisation capable of getting significant quantities of food and medicine into northern Gaza: the United Nations Relief and Works Agency.

Israel has decided Unrwa is guilty of “terrorism” because it has been getting food and medicine to civilians designated for extermination, an accusation Unrwa does not deny. Thankfully, Israel put a stop to this terrorism at the start of October and now every civilian in northern Gaza is at imminent risk of death. As everyone knows, the only way to defeat terrorism is to kill enormous numbers of civilians (who have the wrong skin colour and/or religion).

Israel is rightly outraged that Unrwa employs terrorists because the only organisation allowed to send terrorists into Gaza is the IDF. Outrageously, I’m told Unrwa incinerated civilians from Apache helicopters on October 7th, a privilege reserved only for IDF pilots following the Hannibal Directive.

An investigation found no evidence of Israel’s central allegations against Unrwa, but Israel Katz crayoned a picture of an Unrwa worker holding a severed baby’s head. If you question Israel’s evidence, I honestly don’t know what to say to you.

After a year of starving Palestinians, Israel has assured us it will get the necessary aid into Gaza. This is the most sensible move since Dr Harold Shipman decided to administer medicine to his patients. The IDF says it will try to resist gunning civilians down as they queue for aid, but obviously it can’t make any promises. Antony Blinken said that if Israel does attack the aid queues, he expects the killers to investigate themselves. This is a privilege reserved for the only democracy in the Middle East.

Israel has been so angry with Unrwa workers who fed and treated Palestinians that it initially wanted to blow them all up. Thankfully, Israel has shown restraint and only blown up 102 of them. Israel was particularly angry with the people whose job it was to vet Unrwa workers, until it realised that was Israel’s job. This was a tiny bit embarrassing so never mention it again, okay?

While Israel is courageously tackling terrorism in Gaza, British police are doing everything they can to defeat terrorism back home, including beating the shit out of anyone who expresses solidarity with Unrwa. Well, they’ve not done that yet, but I remain optimistic.

The United Nations is now a proscribed terrorist organisation, all criticism of Israel has been banned, and in unrelated news, several government ministers have really nice holiday homes. Mossad has clarified that just because its spies were arrested for blackmailing officials in Italy, does not mean they would behave like this in the UK. Blackmail is unnecessary here because our officials are much more open to bribes.

You will be pleased to know British police are taking their role as enforcers of the Israeli state so seriously that they’ve arrested a Jewish Israeli academic because he explained Israel is fighting an unwinnable war. Professor Haim Bresheeth pointed out that British police have been arresting people for opposing genocide, leaving police with no choice but to arrest him under the Terrorism Act. I literally can’t tell the difference between this professor and ISIS.

Metropolitan police explained they actually arrested Prof Bresheeth for “expressing support for a proscribed terrorist organisation”. Awkwardly, a recording of his speech shows he said no such thing, but anyone who shares the footage online risks being visited by a Hermes drone. Be warned, Mossad has your IP address as part of Twitter’s terms and conditions and those drones don't have to come far because they are made in Leicestershire x

---

Thank you so much for reading my outstanding journalism! If you enjoyed this article as much as I did, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. Your support is hugely appreciated x